I am TIRED..and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I am tired. Let me reiterate, I am TIRED. Actually, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am exhausted, spent. I am tried. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Don’t worry, I am not physically sick. Thank God I am in perfect health. I am emotionally tired. Emotionally, I am drained. I have exerted so much emotional energy the past two years with nothing to show for it. The only thing it cost me is my energy. My emotional energy. And I have to wonder whether it was all worth it. I am drained from all the empty promises, all the time I put into making something go absolutely nowhere, and still being alone in the end. I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of dating. I realize that is odd to say since I am considered so young. But, I am tired of dating. When you get yourself in several situations that never take you anywhere, but continues to drain you emotionally, you start to get aggregated. Most of the time, when you are single, you are supposed to enjoy the dating experience. It’s the opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what kind of man you want in your life. It gives you a fresh understanding of the standards you want regarding men. But I am at the point where, I am starting to not enjoy the experience of dating. It’s starting to become more annoying than enjoyable. And, just like a football player, when you are no longer feeling the game, it is time to remove yourself from the field. I think it is time for me to remove myself from the field. I am just emotionally drained, tired. And I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Honestly, I am not afraid of being single, as long as it means that I can be happy. I am content with living my life fulfilling what I want. I believe most women deal with unnecessary mess, and press on even though they are tired because they fear being alone. They fear not having someone to share their life with. I’d like to think that I have plenty of friends to share my life with, so not having a man in my life will be just fine. I’d have more control over my life, my emotions, and my worth. What I fear most is becoming a woman I do not recognize. In other words, I am afraid that one day I am going to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I fear allowing others to decide my worth. I fear becoming this woman that puts up with anything simply for a little bit of attention. So being single is not a fear of mine. I am terrified of loosing who Jayme Canty is, her identity, her worth. Overall, I fear losing myself in the mist of dating. So the single thing does not bother me. However, loosing myself does bother me.

So many times when you date, and things do not work out, the first place you examine is yourself. You tear yourself apart because something did not work out with a man. You sit around wondering what you did wrong or what you could have done better. Being single, you are able to take charge of your feelings. You are not going through a monthly evaluation of yourself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” The reality is that most women do not see that nothing is wrong with them. And the more this happens, the more women start to forget their worth and power. It’s a vicious cycle, all in the name of “love”. I refuse to put myself in that cycle. I started putting myself in that cycle, but quickly removed myself before it caused any serious damage. I will continue to keep reminding myself of my worth and power. I will continue to love myself, even if that means being single. Therefore, I do not fear being single. I embrace it now, with open arms.

Women are conditioned their entire lives to think that their lives are not fulfilled unless they are married with their 2.5 children. People constantly reminding them from the moment they leave the wound that their only purpose in life is to be a mother and wife, nothing more nothing less. I refuse to give into that social destruction. Of course, I would not mind marrying the love of my life and having children. However, I am starting to realize that that may be someone else’s dream and not my own. I am also starting to realize that image of a “perfect woman” placed upon my life does not define who I am as a woman. Nor will I internalize that image as my only truth and purpose in my life.

I have never been the kind of person who needed a man in her life to be happy. Therefore, I am not afraid of being single. I do not fear having a future without a man in it. As long as I am fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, that’s all that really matters to me. I have seen several women do it, and quite frankly, I see them living completely fulfilling lives. Don’t worry, I still laugh, sing, and smile even when I am completely single. I still give 110% into my school work, even when no one is there to encourage me or challenge me. I still share my life with plenty of people, so being single does not equate with being alone. After all, I am never alone. I always have my God, my family, and my friends to occupy my energy. So being single is starting to become the least of my worries.

I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep the sweet talk to yourself, because I have heard it all before. Keep the empty promises from my ears. If you are not going to follow through on what you say, then your words mean nothing to me. I can live without your fickleness. One minute you are proclaiming one thing, while the next minute you are saying something completely different. Or, you say one thing, yet your actions are saying something completely different. Please, keep that to yourself. I’d rather not be bothered with it. Quite frankly, if you have too much doubt in your mind, please just leave me be. Let me go on my merry way without you. Trust me, I will be fine.

My patience is low because I am so incredibly tired. I am tired of dating. Tired of the consistent text messages, phone calls, and sweet words followed by the “incognegro” act that most of you do so well. Honestly, I am tired of the temporary entertainment. You only come in my life to entertain me for a few months, and then gone almost as quickly as you came in. Let me make it easy for you, if you know you do not want a relationship from me, do not waste my time or energy. If simply love talking to me or my company when it is convenient for you, please see yourself out the door because I do not want to be bothered. And if you are serious about being with me—don’t just speak it—show me through your actions. Oh, and do not let the actions only last for a few weeks, because that will not fly sir. The test isn’t whether you will put in energy for a few weeks. After all, anyone can do that. That’s your representative. The test will be whether you continue to put up your best game well after the honeymoon period. If you do not want to put in the time, I will not be mad if you leave.

I want to be loved. I desire to be with my soul mate. I am ready for stability. I am at a point where I would be ready to give all my love to someone who is worthy. I am ready for a stable relationship with the man God places in my life. I am ready for someone to tell me they care and actually show it to me. I want someone who is willing to sacrifice for me because I will sacrifice for them. I want someone who will grow with me, instead of simply idly waiting on the sidelines. I need someone who is willing to make an effort because they want me in their life. I do not want someone who will waste my time, but will make my time with him worth it. Simply point: I simply want to be consistently loved, by thought, word and deed. And I promise to flood you with so much you do not know what to do with it. I promise to crown you as my King because you have proven yourself worthy of an Ebony Queen. Until that day, I have no problem going through this life without a man. I will proudly walk forward, even if that means I have to walk without my King by my side.

But right now, I am so exhausted, and spent. I am tired of dating. I am tired of going through this emotional roller coaster. I am just tired, so very tired of dating.

Overall, I am tried. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.