Calling a Spade a Spade...

Okay ladies, it’s time to have some real talk. It is about time we are honest with others as well as ourselves. I am not a male-basher (actually I am a black man lover, especially for my African Kings). However, I am also realizing a trend going on amongst us women folk. Now, I understand that we are women of the new millennium. I realize that we are the “independent women”, with our own bank accounts, cars, careers, diplomas, and so forth. We proclaim how we do not need a man to keep us happy. We play the “strong woman” role. Sometimes, we may even use a “bedroom toy” to keep us happy instead of finding sexual satisfaction with a man. I swear, we would probably burn our bras if they didn’t cost us so much and didn’t match that cute set of panties we own.

Yeah, we go through the whole song and dance. However, are we really feeling what we are proclaiming? I ask you, ladies, are we really empowered or are we just putting up a front to make us (or the people around us) feel better?

I ask this for a few reasons. I have encountered several women (and even men…) who have said that they want to change their lives, become strong, and forget about the men (or women) who hurt them. They say, with such confidence to me and other women, “He’s no good. I am better off without him. I am a strong woman.” I swear you are waiting for the person to ball up a fist and proclaim, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Again, it sounds good. People cheer you on, drinks may be clashed together, and high-fives may be given. Yet, the commitment is not there. We are saying one thing, but doing something else. You may want to feel one way, but your heart is feeling something completely different. For example, you say you are over him (or her). You say you want to move on from him (or her). Yet, here you are texting them all the time. Or you are responding to the text . Then, they are responding to YOUR text. Before you know it, you two are exchanging. Whether you exchanged intimate notes from your day, random thoughts, or just ‘sex texting’, you are engaging in conversation that you proclaimed you did not need. Therefore, all of the affirmations of severing ties with someone have completely gone down the toilet. Not because you do not think its true, but because you are not letting it become your reality.

Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that love is a very fragile, crazy place to be. I get that. I have been in love before too. I understand the affect love has on someone. It can cause your emotions to do things you never thought they could, like a muscle you didn’t know existed until you do weights and realize that it actually does exist. Yet, instead of sitting back and taking a really hard look into ourselves, to find that strength within us, we settle for mediocrity. Women seem to be especially ruthless for this. We make excuses for ourselves, for them, for the situation, etc. Yet, sometimes, like I said, you need to just start calling a spade a spade. Usually, we make excuses, or fail to call something for what it is, because we are afraid of the reality. We fear the truth. If we speak something out loud, then it becomes real. Unfortunately, we remain complacent in our fear instead of dragging our asses toward the light. It’s amazing the things we do out of fear, like make excuses. I wondered to myself whether men make excuses for women the way women make excuses for men? We are all guilty of it. You know it is an excuse when you say it out loud, and you know in the back if your mind that what is coming out of your mouth is full of crap. And nine times out of ten you only say it to make you or the other person feel better. In other words, you proclamations are nothing but a front.

Why ladies (and even gentlemen), I ask you, how can we proclaim such independence and empowerment when we continue to make excuses for these men (or women)? I am not talking about recognizing the realistic aspects of a relationship or a particular situation. I am simply talking about those statements we make that justify the man (or woman) playing around with our emotions and constantly hurting us over and over again. Or those statements of self-pride that do not last any longer than an hour. Don’t get me wrong, we have all made excuses for other people that didn’t deserve it. God knows I have allowed people to blind my better judgment, so I end up making excuses for their horrible or indifferent behavior towards me. The problem is: we, as strong women that God created us to be, are making excuses for people who do not deserve it.

Yet, when you make those self-affirmation statements of pride, the words themselves do not reside in your heart. Metaphorically, if you say you want to burn your bra, you’re going to have to follow through on it. (Unless you’re a man, then I would be wondering why you would have a bra. But, to each his own. So no judgment here). Simply put, practice what you preach. If you say you’re a strong woman, stop allowing these men to throw just any game on you without giving you what you want. If you want a committed relationship, you deserve it. And you’re affirmations should affirm that you deserve nothing less than that. As a matter of fact, you deserve that and more. The point is: you cannot allow yourself to make excuses for other people anymore. It does not coinside with the vision you have for yourself regarding your self worth. If you are making excuses for other people, you are only allowing them to damage your spirit more and more. Indirectly, you’re allowing them to define who you are and what your worth.
So, I’m tired of the excuses. Start practicing what you preach. I am not saying this out of anger. I speak out of love for my sistah’s. Honestly, I speak from the bottom of my heart. We have lost our power, our self worth, and our identity. We allow others to define our worth and value. Perhaps we should take baby steps by simply “calling a spade a spade”. Don’t worry ladies (and even gentlemen), we are on this journey together.
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