"We didn't have a choice"
I have had various conversations with Black women who have said the above statement sometime throughout our conversation. I'm starting to wonder is if this is the theme for African American women's history, "We didn't have a choice." When it came to aborting our children during slavery, "We didn't have a choice." When it came to piggy-backing off of various movements throughout history because it MIGHT help our political agendas, "We didn't have a choice". When our grandmothers and great-grandmothers worked as domestic workers to support their families because, "We didn't have a choice". Working hard in an oppressed, capitalist society, then having enough energy to get it together for their home, "We didn't have a choice." We are raising our children on our own because, "We didn't have a choice."
Through it all, "We didn't have a choice".
Today, I went out to lunch with my best friend's aunt. Well, I had to bring her a bag and she thanked me by paying for my lunch. Clearly, I did not decline even though I had to drive. I thought I was going to go crazy after hours of endless, pointless conversation. After all, she was doing most of the talking, I was simply listening and eating. As I was dropping her off at home, I mentioned one of the thesis topics I was considering. Though I have a thesis topic in mind, in the course of my reading this summer, I came across an Angela Davis book that shed some light upon the "fine print" behind the craze for birth control. I thought about doing my topic centered around sterilization abuse as well as the reason it became an important topic for Black feminists. Well, after giving me a quick history lesson, she said to me, "Well, we didn't have a choice!" I probed a little further to understand what she meant. She further explained, "Sterilization was part of welfare policy. If you had more than 2 or 3 children and on welfare, you HAD to be sterilized in order to get your check, food stamps, or canned goods." If my memory serves me correctly (which is never a guarantee, but I digress), she said the above phrase at least six times in a matter of fifteen minutes. When I dropped her off, I couldn't help but wonder why we never have a choice. From our past to our present, we never had a choice. Yeah, I forgot most of our conversations, but I did not forget that conversation. A part of me wonders whether I will ever forget it.
I was driving home, listening to my music, and thinking about all the things I had to finish today. Yet I could not get that statement out of my head. It replayed in my conscious over and over again like a broken record. We didn't have a choice. We go through our lives thinking that we have a plethora of choices to make to even get through the day. However, in a larger perspective, as Black women, do we ever REALLY have a choice? Are we kidding ourselves into thinking that liberation is possible since we never had a choice to begin with?
Perhaps that's the basis for our oppression. We didn't have a choice economically, socially, politically, or psychologically. We did not have a choice. Our voice was somehow stolen from us throughout this chaos called "HIStory". Was it because we didn't have a choice? After all, we are not only double-oppressed by race and sex/gender. We are also oppressed by class and economic structure. So, has that caused us to NOT have a choice? After all, what can you possibly do in a society that strikes you at three angles? "We didn't have a choice".
Also, I pondered whether this lack of choice has to do with the main theme of African American history and culture: survival. Black women did not have a choice because it was their only means of survival. You didn't have a choice but to get sterilization because you needed to provide for your family. You didn't have a choice but to have sex with "Massah" because he would kill you or cause harm to your family. You did not have a choice but to raise your children on your own because the father decided not to uphold his fatherly duties. You did not have a choice but to teach your children our history because they are not taught in school. You have no choice but to work menial jobs, with lack of education, in order to support your family. You do not have a choice but to push yourself through school while raising children on your own.
Therefore, it has occured to me that, "We didn't have a choice", is part of the Black woman's song. Yet, I do not believe it encompasses ALL of our history. This phrase suggests a large amount of struggle. While I believe Black women have struggled throughout HIStory, that is NOT the entire song. I'd like to think that we also shared plenty of victories because "we didn't have a choice". Our victories lead us to lead lives in which we laughed, smiled, and danced. While we didn't have a choice, perhaps that's because we were equipped with the means to survive. The blood of our ancestors running through our veins may have caused us to live plentifully, even if we had to scrape and struggle to get to that point.
Perhaps my sistah's are right, we never did have a choice. But, I do not know if that is the entire story. I simply do not know if I can accept that "we did not have a choice." While I realize that it is true in some aspects, I don't want to accept that as our only claim in history. I do know we have a choice now. We have a choice to liberate ourselves past our current situation. We have a choice to see ourselves as Queens and not simply another man's whore. We have a choice to be happy, regardless of what it takes. We have a choice to live life with all of our passion and drive. I believe now we have a choice. Unfortunately, we do not take advantage of that choice. Then that causes us to get to the point where, "We didn't have a choice". Thus, the cycle continues.
"We didn't have a choice" should no longer be our only claim to fame. At times, it is a reality but let that not be our only legacy.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Only for the Summer?
Was it only for the summer?
The intimate conversations, playful jokes, and random comments, was it only for the summer?
The sweet smiles, glancing at each other across the room, looking in each others eyes, was it only for the summer?
The tickling that was only used as an excuse for us to get close enough to hug or kiss, was it only for the summer?
The conversations over coffee, on the couch, with a movie or a show playing in the background, was it only for the summer?
The healthy debates and the comfortable silences that followed, was it only for the summer?
The talking in the middle of kisses, even if it only consisted of a soft, "Okay", was it only for the summer?
My heart beating a million miles an hour simply being in your presence, was that only meant to last for a moment?
The way you understood me the way no one has before, was that simply a fluke?
How you were able to look in my eyes to read in my heart, body, and soul, was it only because I wanted so desperately to be understood?
The fact that I almost melt everytime I am in your arms, was it only because I so desperately wanted to be held?
Was it only meant to last for a moment?
Our moments on the couch, watching movies and cartoons for hours while cuddling, kissing, and rubbing, did you really want me in your arms for a lifetime or until the summer ends?
When we talked about our future, was it only to entertain my hope?
When you looked in my eyes, were you really wanting to see me, or did you want me only for a season?
When you held my waist, did you see yourself getting closer to me? Or was I simply the only one there?
I suppose the Good Morning kisses were only meant to last for the summer.
Perhaps the Wii competitions we had were only meant to fulfill you until it starts getting cold outside. I'm sure my character will be deleted as soon as Labor Day hits.
Having you rest in my arms, was that only for a passing moment?
When we shared our bathtub and shower moments, was it only because you wanted to test your bathroom with someone?
The passionate kissing and love making, was that only because you wanted someone in your bed on those humid evenings and mornings?
In my heart, I did not want it to last for a summer. Honestly, for the first time, I was not afraid to start loving someone. I simply did it. It was as easy as breathing. Yet, all things are not meant to last forever, no matter how much you want them to. Sometimes your fantasy and reality are two completely different things. Accepting that would only make this transition into the Fall season easier. However, I will always remember our summer. If it is meant to last past the summer, that would be the highlight of my year. If not, then I will have to deal with it, like the loss of a loved one. I suppose I have to accept the fact that things do not last as long as I may want to. Though I was afraid to let people in my heart, you started to break down that wall. You started to inscribe your name through my heart, even if it was only temporary. Though I wanted it to last past the summer, perhaps I was only fooling myself into thinking that you were different from all my past situations. However, once again, I was proven right: Nothing that good lasts forever. I will be alright though. After all, my strength will help me deal with this as I stride through life by myself.
While the summer heat fades away, does that also mean our love will fade away as well? My mind is telling me that I need to see things for what they are. Yet my heart cries out the same question, "Was this only meant to last for the summer?"
The intimate conversations, playful jokes, and random comments, was it only for the summer?
The sweet smiles, glancing at each other across the room, looking in each others eyes, was it only for the summer?
The tickling that was only used as an excuse for us to get close enough to hug or kiss, was it only for the summer?
The conversations over coffee, on the couch, with a movie or a show playing in the background, was it only for the summer?
The healthy debates and the comfortable silences that followed, was it only for the summer?
The talking in the middle of kisses, even if it only consisted of a soft, "Okay", was it only for the summer?
My heart beating a million miles an hour simply being in your presence, was that only meant to last for a moment?
The way you understood me the way no one has before, was that simply a fluke?
How you were able to look in my eyes to read in my heart, body, and soul, was it only because I wanted so desperately to be understood?
The fact that I almost melt everytime I am in your arms, was it only because I so desperately wanted to be held?
Was it only meant to last for a moment?
Our moments on the couch, watching movies and cartoons for hours while cuddling, kissing, and rubbing, did you really want me in your arms for a lifetime or until the summer ends?
When we talked about our future, was it only to entertain my hope?
When you looked in my eyes, were you really wanting to see me, or did you want me only for a season?
When you held my waist, did you see yourself getting closer to me? Or was I simply the only one there?
I suppose the Good Morning kisses were only meant to last for the summer.
Perhaps the Wii competitions we had were only meant to fulfill you until it starts getting cold outside. I'm sure my character will be deleted as soon as Labor Day hits.
Having you rest in my arms, was that only for a passing moment?
When we shared our bathtub and shower moments, was it only because you wanted to test your bathroom with someone?
The passionate kissing and love making, was that only because you wanted someone in your bed on those humid evenings and mornings?
In my heart, I did not want it to last for a summer. Honestly, for the first time, I was not afraid to start loving someone. I simply did it. It was as easy as breathing. Yet, all things are not meant to last forever, no matter how much you want them to. Sometimes your fantasy and reality are two completely different things. Accepting that would only make this transition into the Fall season easier. However, I will always remember our summer. If it is meant to last past the summer, that would be the highlight of my year. If not, then I will have to deal with it, like the loss of a loved one. I suppose I have to accept the fact that things do not last as long as I may want to. Though I was afraid to let people in my heart, you started to break down that wall. You started to inscribe your name through my heart, even if it was only temporary. Though I wanted it to last past the summer, perhaps I was only fooling myself into thinking that you were different from all my past situations. However, once again, I was proven right: Nothing that good lasts forever. I will be alright though. After all, my strength will help me deal with this as I stride through life by myself.
While the summer heat fades away, does that also mean our love will fade away as well? My mind is telling me that I need to see things for what they are. Yet my heart cries out the same question, "Was this only meant to last for the summer?"
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Heaven
The other day I woke up and a song was stuck in my mind. Actually it was a song I have not heard in a few years, so I was surprised that I was thinking about it. Yet, I woke up thinking about this song. Common had a song on his album "Like Water for Chocolate" called "GeTo Heaven". I play it again as I write this blog, to receive some of my inspiration. Anyway, he had one phrase that he would keep repeating "Geto Heaven...finding heaven in yourself and God." In the second part of song, he's speaking to a woman about NOT relying on a man in order to be happy. While he understands that we can get lonely, and want companionship from a man, he should not complete you. He encourages her to find heaven in herself and God....
Alice Walker wrote a novel called, In Search of Our Mother's Garden. I had to read an excerpt of the novel for my Intro to Women's Studies class. It was a remarkable piece, enough to bring tears to my eyes. In the introduction of the novel, Walker explains what "Womanism" is. She defined womanism in many different ways. I am sure you do not want the entire definition she wrote. Yet, one part stuck to me, she plainly stated how a womanist, "Loves herself. Regardess."
Ironically I heard the song and read for class in the same day, which helped me realize the heaven that I have within myself. Many women have not found heaven in themselves. They have not been able to separate their love for men and love for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I love men very much. Especially my Black brothers. Yet, I cannot neglect to take care of ME. I cannot allow my soul to suffer simply because a man has disappointed or hurt me. After all, I have heaven within myself...let me explain what I mean by this heavenly place.
Heaven within yourself is recognizing how awesome you are. Heaven within yourself implies that you recognize the challenge before you, but you face it anyway, with a smile on your face. Heaven means talking to God, and allowing Him time to talk to you. Finding your heaven means finding your inner peace. This heavenly place will not allow others to hinder your growth or abuse your power as a woman. Also, finding heaven means being your own best friend. When you have Heaven, the simplest tasks give you pleasure. You know, driving through the country, cooking dinner for yourself, or reading something that changes your perspective. Usually when I am eating lunch or dinner, I will make my plate, go upstairs and watch TV in my room. Yet, the other day, I tried something a little different. I sat in the kitchen with the blinds and windows open, allowing the sunlight to brighten the room. I did not watch TV nor did I have my Ipod shuffle on (you know I usually have my Ipod on rotation). I just sat in silence, eating my lunch with nothing but the sunlight to keep me company. Some of you may be thinking, "That sounds boring to me!" Yet, I was not bored...I was getting in touch with my heaven…in contact with God...allowing my mind to wander...realizing how awesome I am (without a man telling me)...in other words, I came in contact with my personal joy.
Many may wonder what makes me a "feminist" or "womanist". Of course, the assumption is that I am a lesbian or that I hate men. Yet, those are two major fallacies. I love men, and I appreciate the contributions they have made in my life and the world. I simply recognize power women have. There is a special connection I have with other women that I do not have with men. Also, because I love myself, I love being a woman, regardless of the circumstances that come into my life that challenge that love. If I use what Common said, that's how I know that I am finding heaven in myself and God....
Yes, at times, I do get disappointed when things do not work out with a man that I really like. Of course, I wonder why a man rarely stayed in my life. Yet, I am happy just being me. Surprisingly, I found peace in "heaven in myself and God". Nothing else gives me more joy or satisfaction. So, while "he" (whoever HE may be…) may not see the kind of woman I am and may not be in my life for long, I know the heaven I have WITHOUT "him" because the happiness I receive from my heaven is enough to sustain me and keep a smile on my face.
So ladies, I challenge you to find happiness within yourself. I urge you to look beyond the arms of a man to find happiness, joy and peace. Do NOT let anyone take away your pride, you power or your personal joy. Allow yourself to love who YOU are and what YOU can contribute. Do NOT let the world or a man dictate your worth. I recommend that you take Common's advice and "find heaven in yourself and God".
Alice Walker wrote a novel called, In Search of Our Mother's Garden. I had to read an excerpt of the novel for my Intro to Women's Studies class. It was a remarkable piece, enough to bring tears to my eyes. In the introduction of the novel, Walker explains what "Womanism" is. She defined womanism in many different ways. I am sure you do not want the entire definition she wrote. Yet, one part stuck to me, she plainly stated how a womanist, "Loves herself. Regardess."
Ironically I heard the song and read for class in the same day, which helped me realize the heaven that I have within myself. Many women have not found heaven in themselves. They have not been able to separate their love for men and love for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I love men very much. Especially my Black brothers. Yet, I cannot neglect to take care of ME. I cannot allow my soul to suffer simply because a man has disappointed or hurt me. After all, I have heaven within myself...let me explain what I mean by this heavenly place.
Heaven within yourself is recognizing how awesome you are. Heaven within yourself implies that you recognize the challenge before you, but you face it anyway, with a smile on your face. Heaven means talking to God, and allowing Him time to talk to you. Finding your heaven means finding your inner peace. This heavenly place will not allow others to hinder your growth or abuse your power as a woman. Also, finding heaven means being your own best friend. When you have Heaven, the simplest tasks give you pleasure. You know, driving through the country, cooking dinner for yourself, or reading something that changes your perspective. Usually when I am eating lunch or dinner, I will make my plate, go upstairs and watch TV in my room. Yet, the other day, I tried something a little different. I sat in the kitchen with the blinds and windows open, allowing the sunlight to brighten the room. I did not watch TV nor did I have my Ipod shuffle on (you know I usually have my Ipod on rotation). I just sat in silence, eating my lunch with nothing but the sunlight to keep me company. Some of you may be thinking, "That sounds boring to me!" Yet, I was not bored...I was getting in touch with my heaven…in contact with God...allowing my mind to wander...realizing how awesome I am (without a man telling me)...in other words, I came in contact with my personal joy.
Many may wonder what makes me a "feminist" or "womanist". Of course, the assumption is that I am a lesbian or that I hate men. Yet, those are two major fallacies. I love men, and I appreciate the contributions they have made in my life and the world. I simply recognize power women have. There is a special connection I have with other women that I do not have with men. Also, because I love myself, I love being a woman, regardless of the circumstances that come into my life that challenge that love. If I use what Common said, that's how I know that I am finding heaven in myself and God....
Yes, at times, I do get disappointed when things do not work out with a man that I really like. Of course, I wonder why a man rarely stayed in my life. Yet, I am happy just being me. Surprisingly, I found peace in "heaven in myself and God". Nothing else gives me more joy or satisfaction. So, while "he" (whoever HE may be…) may not see the kind of woman I am and may not be in my life for long, I know the heaven I have WITHOUT "him" because the happiness I receive from my heaven is enough to sustain me and keep a smile on my face.
So ladies, I challenge you to find happiness within yourself. I urge you to look beyond the arms of a man to find happiness, joy and peace. Do NOT let anyone take away your pride, you power or your personal joy. Allow yourself to love who YOU are and what YOU can contribute. Do NOT let the world or a man dictate your worth. I recommend that you take Common's advice and "find heaven in yourself and God".
Questions to Get Into the "Soul of Black Women"
"You're studying WHAT?"
"Africana Women's Studies"
"African Women's Studies?"
"No, AFRICANA Women's studies"
"OHHH, I got it, African American Women's Studies"
"Well, sorta. It's Africana Women's Studies. Like a combination of women's studies and African American studies. We study women of African decent, in America or abroad, African American cultural studies and how that affects women, and theories centered around Black Feminism--"
"Oh, so you one of them feminist huh?"
I usually groan to myself at this point because there is so much people do NOT know about Black Women or African women. In a sense, if we use the modern definition of feminism, all Black Women have "feminist" tendencies. But that's not my frustration. I get aggravated when people make assumptions without ever asking me for clarity. But, all my encounters do not end this way. Actually, I have ran into a few people who are genuinely interested in the topic enough to ask me questions. There is nothing I can do about the ignorant, racist, male chauvinists out there. However, I will gladly answer questions for those people who actually want to know more about what I study.
Not too long ago, I went into a bridal shop to pick up my bridesmaids dress. I figured it was going to be a quick trip. After all, I only had to pick up my dress, try on the dress, and pay for it. Little did I know that I would be staying in the shop discussing women of color with the sales lady. It started similar to the conversation above, only the last statement was not made. Also, unlike the conversation above, she knew I was a student. What I found weird was that I never told her I was a student, nor did I give her a clue that I was a student. Perhaps I have the "student look", I have no idea. Anyway, her next question is, "What do you study? Law?" I replied, "Oh no! I am getting my Master's in Africana Women's Studies." She also asked for clarity, similar to the conversation above. After I received a quick history and cultural lesson regarding Latina women (after all, she was half Dominic Republic and half Puerto Rican), she asked me some very interesting questions about Black women. She asked me the surface questions that many people ask me, but she also asked me some very thought provoking questions. It was clear that by the end of our conversation, she was greatly impressed with my anwsers. Just as I was about to walk out the door, she said, "You should write a book". I have heard this before from various people and quickly brushed it off as a crazy thought. However, this woman actually gave me the title for this future book. She also wanted me to make sure it made Oprah's reading list. lol. She proclaimed, "Name your first book 'The Soul of Black Women'. Then I added, "The woman behind the mask." Before we know it, we are both jumping up and down with excitement. She told me that when I write my first book to never forget her. Quite frankly, that would be difficult to do. I have that title on my sticky note as a reminder to fulfill my promise to her. Also, that was the inspiration behind the title of this blog.
Anyway, I digress. The purpose of this blog was to actually write down questions that have been asked of me as well as my answers. There have been many questions people have asked me out of curiosity. I suppose hearing, "Africana Women's Studies" is certainly a conversation starter. So below is a list of questions many people have asked me over the past year. I hope this adds some clarity to the "woman behind the mask". Keep in mind that I am not a spokesperson for all Black Women. I do not claim to be and, quite frankly, I do not WANT to be. I simply am adding in scholarly information mixed with personal observation. In other words, I simply theorize. But, I have had these conversations so much, I almost can hear them in my sleep.
First, after the quick explanation, the first question I am ALWAYS asked is, "Well, what do you want to do with that?"
Well, I want to teach at a university or college. Specifically, I want to teach at an HBCU (historically Black college or university). I would like to conduct research as well, focusing on Black women and Black youth. In the end, I would love to start a non-profit catering to this particular population of women, or all women of color. But, the PLAN is to get my PhD and then teach. Teaching, education, and activism are the most important ways to liberate Black Women.
The next question that follows usually is, "So you study African American women?"
Technically I study women of African decent. So that includes women in so-called "Third World" countries, women of color, African women in other countries, as well as Black women in America. So basically, ALL African women, not just African American women.
They are usually done after I answer those questions. Yet some people probe even further by asking, "How is that different from simply going into Women's Studies?"
Great question! Actually, what a lot of people do not know is that Women's Studies usually focuses on the history of middle-class, bourgeoisie, white women and less about women of color. After all, throughout women's history, Black women's history is different from White women's history. Yes, they have worked together in some instances, but their political agenda's were usually different. So, while we touch on "general women's studies" , we focus on the rise of the Black Feminism and Black women's contribution to women's studies. Actually, we'd like to think that women's studies IS the study of Black women. So, there is a difference.
"Well, since you are ALREADY a Black woman, don't you know all the answers?"
(Now this question sometimes would frustrate me, depending on my mood) Actually, there are a lot of things we do not know about our history. There are people that study American history, European History, or World History, why can't there be something that studies women of African decent? Believe it or not, there is a lot that we do not know about ourselves, that can be revealed through our history and aesthetics. So, no, ironically I do not know all the answers simply because I am a Black woman. I learn more about myself the more I research about Black history.
"Isn't women's studies a field that a lot of lesbians study? Does that mean you and your classmates are lesbian?"
(Again, another question that sometimes frustrates me) Not at all! Simply because we are in the business of empowering women does not mean we are Lesbians. That's a common misconception about women's studies. There are lot of women in this field who are not Lesbians. Most of my classmates are either married, married with children, or in serious relationships with men. None of us are Lesbian. Actually, we all love men very much. :) While there are Lesbians who are in this field, there are Lesbians in ANY field of study. You'd be surprised the majority of us that are not gay. So no, I am not a Lesbian, bi-sexual, in the closet, or whatever. hehehehehe.
"You not going to burn your bra or anything, are you?"
( I can't help it, this question usually makes me laugh) No! I love my bras. And quite frankly, I paid too much for them to burn them. Plus, they keep my girls perky! :) That's more of a white woman's symbol of feminism, not a black woman's. As far as I know, we kept our bras on. :)
"So you don't believe in the institution of marriage? You do not want to get married or have children?"
Again, another misconception about women's studies. Yes, there are women in the field who do not believe in the institution of marriage. That is simply ONE theory to explain the oppression of women throughout history. Again, Black women's history takes a different approach. Black women love their Black men so much, sometimes to a fault. Plus, throughout our history, marriage was never a form of oppression. Quite frankly, we were oppressed OUTSIDE the home more than we were INSIDE the home. So our battles are more the fight against racism and sexism. So the institution of marriage is the LEAST of our worries. And yes, I do want to get married one day and have children. Not because I am falling into the social construct of a woman's purpose in life, but because I want to be loved. Also, I want to share my life with someone I love and having a life with them. So sure, I do want to get married. Why, are you interested? ;) lol.
"Does what you study shed light on how and why Black women are the way they are today?"
Oh absolutely. Not only Black women, but the Black race in general. History has always been a tool used to understand our present condition. For example, it sheds a lot of light on our personalities, such as the "Superwoman" myth, helps me understand that our goals differed from the goals of other women, and it helps me see our contribution to American history. Most importantly, it helps one understand the complexities of race, class and gender. Studying Black women gives you an inside glance on this triple oppression. So yes, it does. Very much so.
"If you study this, what is your take on the misogyny in hip-hop and R&B?"
Very good question. I believe this is a very complex relationship. After all, in my generation, we grew up listening and loving hip-hop and R&B. In our generation, we have also seen the rise and fall of hip-hop and R&B. So we always have a soft spot for this music. Like I said, it's a complex relationship. On one hand, we love our music so much because you grew up with it, like a family member you have watched it grow and mature. On the other hand, it did not mature the way you wanted it to. So you are stuck with this person, who had such a promising future, yet has not grown in the way you wanted them to. So, our thoughts on our music are bitter sweet. While they degrade women, we can't help but love it. It's like that lover that commits domestic abuse. However, all of our music is not misogynistic. So, most of my focus is on music that focuses on life situations, not putting down women. I find myself listening to old R&B and hip-hop, not the crap they put on now. But, that's another blog for another day. :)
If you have any additional questions or want to add to this conversation regarding black women, women of color, or women in general, please feel free to ask your questions/comments in the comment section and I can make another blog to answer your question(s). But this is simply a small glimpse into the woman behind the mask. :)
"Africana Women's Studies"
"African Women's Studies?"
"No, AFRICANA Women's studies"
"OHHH, I got it, African American Women's Studies"
"Well, sorta. It's Africana Women's Studies. Like a combination of women's studies and African American studies. We study women of African decent, in America or abroad, African American cultural studies and how that affects women, and theories centered around Black Feminism--"
"Oh, so you one of them feminist huh?"
I usually groan to myself at this point because there is so much people do NOT know about Black Women or African women. In a sense, if we use the modern definition of feminism, all Black Women have "feminist" tendencies. But that's not my frustration. I get aggravated when people make assumptions without ever asking me for clarity. But, all my encounters do not end this way. Actually, I have ran into a few people who are genuinely interested in the topic enough to ask me questions. There is nothing I can do about the ignorant, racist, male chauvinists out there. However, I will gladly answer questions for those people who actually want to know more about what I study.
Not too long ago, I went into a bridal shop to pick up my bridesmaids dress. I figured it was going to be a quick trip. After all, I only had to pick up my dress, try on the dress, and pay for it. Little did I know that I would be staying in the shop discussing women of color with the sales lady. It started similar to the conversation above, only the last statement was not made. Also, unlike the conversation above, she knew I was a student. What I found weird was that I never told her I was a student, nor did I give her a clue that I was a student. Perhaps I have the "student look", I have no idea. Anyway, her next question is, "What do you study? Law?" I replied, "Oh no! I am getting my Master's in Africana Women's Studies." She also asked for clarity, similar to the conversation above. After I received a quick history and cultural lesson regarding Latina women (after all, she was half Dominic Republic and half Puerto Rican), she asked me some very interesting questions about Black women. She asked me the surface questions that many people ask me, but she also asked me some very thought provoking questions. It was clear that by the end of our conversation, she was greatly impressed with my anwsers. Just as I was about to walk out the door, she said, "You should write a book". I have heard this before from various people and quickly brushed it off as a crazy thought. However, this woman actually gave me the title for this future book. She also wanted me to make sure it made Oprah's reading list. lol. She proclaimed, "Name your first book 'The Soul of Black Women'. Then I added, "The woman behind the mask." Before we know it, we are both jumping up and down with excitement. She told me that when I write my first book to never forget her. Quite frankly, that would be difficult to do. I have that title on my sticky note as a reminder to fulfill my promise to her. Also, that was the inspiration behind the title of this blog.
Anyway, I digress. The purpose of this blog was to actually write down questions that have been asked of me as well as my answers. There have been many questions people have asked me out of curiosity. I suppose hearing, "Africana Women's Studies" is certainly a conversation starter. So below is a list of questions many people have asked me over the past year. I hope this adds some clarity to the "woman behind the mask". Keep in mind that I am not a spokesperson for all Black Women. I do not claim to be and, quite frankly, I do not WANT to be. I simply am adding in scholarly information mixed with personal observation. In other words, I simply theorize. But, I have had these conversations so much, I almost can hear them in my sleep.
First, after the quick explanation, the first question I am ALWAYS asked is, "Well, what do you want to do with that?"
Well, I want to teach at a university or college. Specifically, I want to teach at an HBCU (historically Black college or university). I would like to conduct research as well, focusing on Black women and Black youth. In the end, I would love to start a non-profit catering to this particular population of women, or all women of color. But, the PLAN is to get my PhD and then teach. Teaching, education, and activism are the most important ways to liberate Black Women.
The next question that follows usually is, "So you study African American women?"
Technically I study women of African decent. So that includes women in so-called "Third World" countries, women of color, African women in other countries, as well as Black women in America. So basically, ALL African women, not just African American women.
They are usually done after I answer those questions. Yet some people probe even further by asking, "How is that different from simply going into Women's Studies?"
Great question! Actually, what a lot of people do not know is that Women's Studies usually focuses on the history of middle-class, bourgeoisie, white women and less about women of color. After all, throughout women's history, Black women's history is different from White women's history. Yes, they have worked together in some instances, but their political agenda's were usually different. So, while we touch on "general women's studies" , we focus on the rise of the Black Feminism and Black women's contribution to women's studies. Actually, we'd like to think that women's studies IS the study of Black women. So, there is a difference.
"Well, since you are ALREADY a Black woman, don't you know all the answers?"
(Now this question sometimes would frustrate me, depending on my mood) Actually, there are a lot of things we do not know about our history. There are people that study American history, European History, or World History, why can't there be something that studies women of African decent? Believe it or not, there is a lot that we do not know about ourselves, that can be revealed through our history and aesthetics. So, no, ironically I do not know all the answers simply because I am a Black woman. I learn more about myself the more I research about Black history.
"Isn't women's studies a field that a lot of lesbians study? Does that mean you and your classmates are lesbian?"
(Again, another question that sometimes frustrates me) Not at all! Simply because we are in the business of empowering women does not mean we are Lesbians. That's a common misconception about women's studies. There are lot of women in this field who are not Lesbians. Most of my classmates are either married, married with children, or in serious relationships with men. None of us are Lesbian. Actually, we all love men very much. :) While there are Lesbians who are in this field, there are Lesbians in ANY field of study. You'd be surprised the majority of us that are not gay. So no, I am not a Lesbian, bi-sexual, in the closet, or whatever. hehehehehe.
"You not going to burn your bra or anything, are you?"
( I can't help it, this question usually makes me laugh) No! I love my bras. And quite frankly, I paid too much for them to burn them. Plus, they keep my girls perky! :) That's more of a white woman's symbol of feminism, not a black woman's. As far as I know, we kept our bras on. :)
"So you don't believe in the institution of marriage? You do not want to get married or have children?"
Again, another misconception about women's studies. Yes, there are women in the field who do not believe in the institution of marriage. That is simply ONE theory to explain the oppression of women throughout history. Again, Black women's history takes a different approach. Black women love their Black men so much, sometimes to a fault. Plus, throughout our history, marriage was never a form of oppression. Quite frankly, we were oppressed OUTSIDE the home more than we were INSIDE the home. So our battles are more the fight against racism and sexism. So the institution of marriage is the LEAST of our worries. And yes, I do want to get married one day and have children. Not because I am falling into the social construct of a woman's purpose in life, but because I want to be loved. Also, I want to share my life with someone I love and having a life with them. So sure, I do want to get married. Why, are you interested? ;) lol.
"Does what you study shed light on how and why Black women are the way they are today?"
Oh absolutely. Not only Black women, but the Black race in general. History has always been a tool used to understand our present condition. For example, it sheds a lot of light on our personalities, such as the "Superwoman" myth, helps me understand that our goals differed from the goals of other women, and it helps me see our contribution to American history. Most importantly, it helps one understand the complexities of race, class and gender. Studying Black women gives you an inside glance on this triple oppression. So yes, it does. Very much so.
"If you study this, what is your take on the misogyny in hip-hop and R&B?"
Very good question. I believe this is a very complex relationship. After all, in my generation, we grew up listening and loving hip-hop and R&B. In our generation, we have also seen the rise and fall of hip-hop and R&B. So we always have a soft spot for this music. Like I said, it's a complex relationship. On one hand, we love our music so much because you grew up with it, like a family member you have watched it grow and mature. On the other hand, it did not mature the way you wanted it to. So you are stuck with this person, who had such a promising future, yet has not grown in the way you wanted them to. So, our thoughts on our music are bitter sweet. While they degrade women, we can't help but love it. It's like that lover that commits domestic abuse. However, all of our music is not misogynistic. So, most of my focus is on music that focuses on life situations, not putting down women. I find myself listening to old R&B and hip-hop, not the crap they put on now. But, that's another blog for another day. :)
If you have any additional questions or want to add to this conversation regarding black women, women of color, or women in general, please feel free to ask your questions/comments in the comment section and I can make another blog to answer your question(s). But this is simply a small glimpse into the woman behind the mask. :)
Monday, August 10, 2009
Calling a Spade a Spade...
Okay ladies, it’s time to have some real talk. It is about time we are honest with others as well as ourselves. I am not a male-basher (actually I am a black man lover, especially for my African Kings). However, I am also realizing a trend going on amongst us women folk. Now, I understand that we are women of the new millennium. I realize that we are the “independent women”, with our own bank accounts, cars, careers, diplomas, and so forth. We proclaim how we do not need a man to keep us happy. We play the “strong woman” role. Sometimes, we may even use a “bedroom toy” to keep us happy instead of finding sexual satisfaction with a man. I swear, we would probably burn our bras if they didn’t cost us so much and didn’t match that cute set of panties we own.
Yeah, we go through the whole song and dance. However, are we really feeling what we are proclaiming? I ask you, ladies, are we really empowered or are we just putting up a front to make us (or the people around us) feel better?
I ask this for a few reasons. I have encountered several women (and even men…) who have said that they want to change their lives, become strong, and forget about the men (or women) who hurt them. They say, with such confidence to me and other women, “He’s no good. I am better off without him. I am a strong woman.” I swear you are waiting for the person to ball up a fist and proclaim, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Again, it sounds good. People cheer you on, drinks may be clashed together, and high-fives may be given. Yet, the commitment is not there. We are saying one thing, but doing something else. You may want to feel one way, but your heart is feeling something completely different. For example, you say you are over him (or her). You say you want to move on from him (or her). Yet, here you are texting them all the time. Or you are responding to the text . Then, they are responding to YOUR text. Before you know it, you two are exchanging. Whether you exchanged intimate notes from your day, random thoughts, or just ‘sex texting’, you are engaging in conversation that you proclaimed you did not need. Therefore, all of the affirmations of severing ties with someone have completely gone down the toilet. Not because you do not think its true, but because you are not letting it become your reality.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that love is a very fragile, crazy place to be. I get that. I have been in love before too. I understand the affect love has on someone. It can cause your emotions to do things you never thought they could, like a muscle you didn’t know existed until you do weights and realize that it actually does exist. Yet, instead of sitting back and taking a really hard look into ourselves, to find that strength within us, we settle for mediocrity. Women seem to be especially ruthless for this. We make excuses for ourselves, for them, for the situation, etc. Yet, sometimes, like I said, you need to just start calling a spade a spade. Usually, we make excuses, or fail to call something for what it is, because we are afraid of the reality. We fear the truth. If we speak something out loud, then it becomes real. Unfortunately, we remain complacent in our fear instead of dragging our asses toward the light. It’s amazing the things we do out of fear, like make excuses. I wondered to myself whether men make excuses for women the way women make excuses for men? We are all guilty of it. You know it is an excuse when you say it out loud, and you know in the back if your mind that what is coming out of your mouth is full of crap. And nine times out of ten you only say it to make you or the other person feel better. In other words, you proclamations are nothing but a front.
Why ladies (and even gentlemen), I ask you, how can we proclaim such independence and empowerment when we continue to make excuses for these men (or women)? I am not talking about recognizing the realistic aspects of a relationship or a particular situation. I am simply talking about those statements we make that justify the man (or woman) playing around with our emotions and constantly hurting us over and over again. Or those statements of self-pride that do not last any longer than an hour. Don’t get me wrong, we have all made excuses for other people that didn’t deserve it. God knows I have allowed people to blind my better judgment, so I end up making excuses for their horrible or indifferent behavior towards me. The problem is: we, as strong women that God created us to be, are making excuses for people who do not deserve it.
Yet, when you make those self-affirmation statements of pride, the words themselves do not reside in your heart. Metaphorically, if you say you want to burn your bra, you’re going to have to follow through on it. (Unless you’re a man, then I would be wondering why you would have a bra. But, to each his own. So no judgment here). Simply put, practice what you preach. If you say you’re a strong woman, stop allowing these men to throw just any game on you without giving you what you want. If you want a committed relationship, you deserve it. And you’re affirmations should affirm that you deserve nothing less than that. As a matter of fact, you deserve that and more. The point is: you cannot allow yourself to make excuses for other people anymore. It does not coinside with the vision you have for yourself regarding your self worth. If you are making excuses for other people, you are only allowing them to damage your spirit more and more. Indirectly, you’re allowing them to define who you are and what your worth.
So, I’m tired of the excuses. Start practicing what you preach. I am not saying this out of anger. I speak out of love for my sistah’s. Honestly, I speak from the bottom of my heart. We have lost our power, our self worth, and our identity. We allow others to define our worth and value. Perhaps we should take baby steps by simply “calling a spade a spade”. Don’t worry ladies (and even gentlemen), we are on this journey together.
.
Yeah, we go through the whole song and dance. However, are we really feeling what we are proclaiming? I ask you, ladies, are we really empowered or are we just putting up a front to make us (or the people around us) feel better?
I ask this for a few reasons. I have encountered several women (and even men…) who have said that they want to change their lives, become strong, and forget about the men (or women) who hurt them. They say, with such confidence to me and other women, “He’s no good. I am better off without him. I am a strong woman.” I swear you are waiting for the person to ball up a fist and proclaim, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Again, it sounds good. People cheer you on, drinks may be clashed together, and high-fives may be given. Yet, the commitment is not there. We are saying one thing, but doing something else. You may want to feel one way, but your heart is feeling something completely different. For example, you say you are over him (or her). You say you want to move on from him (or her). Yet, here you are texting them all the time. Or you are responding to the text . Then, they are responding to YOUR text. Before you know it, you two are exchanging. Whether you exchanged intimate notes from your day, random thoughts, or just ‘sex texting’, you are engaging in conversation that you proclaimed you did not need. Therefore, all of the affirmations of severing ties with someone have completely gone down the toilet. Not because you do not think its true, but because you are not letting it become your reality.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that love is a very fragile, crazy place to be. I get that. I have been in love before too. I understand the affect love has on someone. It can cause your emotions to do things you never thought they could, like a muscle you didn’t know existed until you do weights and realize that it actually does exist. Yet, instead of sitting back and taking a really hard look into ourselves, to find that strength within us, we settle for mediocrity. Women seem to be especially ruthless for this. We make excuses for ourselves, for them, for the situation, etc. Yet, sometimes, like I said, you need to just start calling a spade a spade. Usually, we make excuses, or fail to call something for what it is, because we are afraid of the reality. We fear the truth. If we speak something out loud, then it becomes real. Unfortunately, we remain complacent in our fear instead of dragging our asses toward the light. It’s amazing the things we do out of fear, like make excuses. I wondered to myself whether men make excuses for women the way women make excuses for men? We are all guilty of it. You know it is an excuse when you say it out loud, and you know in the back if your mind that what is coming out of your mouth is full of crap. And nine times out of ten you only say it to make you or the other person feel better. In other words, you proclamations are nothing but a front.
Why ladies (and even gentlemen), I ask you, how can we proclaim such independence and empowerment when we continue to make excuses for these men (or women)? I am not talking about recognizing the realistic aspects of a relationship or a particular situation. I am simply talking about those statements we make that justify the man (or woman) playing around with our emotions and constantly hurting us over and over again. Or those statements of self-pride that do not last any longer than an hour. Don’t get me wrong, we have all made excuses for other people that didn’t deserve it. God knows I have allowed people to blind my better judgment, so I end up making excuses for their horrible or indifferent behavior towards me. The problem is: we, as strong women that God created us to be, are making excuses for people who do not deserve it.
Yet, when you make those self-affirmation statements of pride, the words themselves do not reside in your heart. Metaphorically, if you say you want to burn your bra, you’re going to have to follow through on it. (Unless you’re a man, then I would be wondering why you would have a bra. But, to each his own. So no judgment here). Simply put, practice what you preach. If you say you’re a strong woman, stop allowing these men to throw just any game on you without giving you what you want. If you want a committed relationship, you deserve it. And you’re affirmations should affirm that you deserve nothing less than that. As a matter of fact, you deserve that and more. The point is: you cannot allow yourself to make excuses for other people anymore. It does not coinside with the vision you have for yourself regarding your self worth. If you are making excuses for other people, you are only allowing them to damage your spirit more and more. Indirectly, you’re allowing them to define who you are and what your worth.
So, I’m tired of the excuses. Start practicing what you preach. I am not saying this out of anger. I speak out of love for my sistah’s. Honestly, I speak from the bottom of my heart. We have lost our power, our self worth, and our identity. We allow others to define our worth and value. Perhaps we should take baby steps by simply “calling a spade a spade”. Don’t worry ladies (and even gentlemen), we are on this journey together.
.
Our Goodbye...
We said goodbye so quickly.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
We did our normal goodbye hugging and kissing.
Usually when people are not going to see each other for a while, their kisses and hugs are longer and more drawn out like a scene from your favorite Hollywood romance story.
Yet, we said our goodbye’s quick.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
We even joked and laughed with one another, not concerned with the distance that would soon come.
None of us looked like were planned to shed any tears.
We only shared smiles with one another in our last moments together.
Actually, for a moment, I forgot that I would not see him for a while.
The reality did not hit me as we stood by the door, kissing and hugging each other goodbye.
We just held a gaze, looked in each other’s eyes, giving each other an Eskimo kiss as we giggled and smiled.
It was as if we knew the goodbye was not going to be forever.
We knew that the separation from one another was only temporary.
Perhaps we knew in our hearts that a long, drawn out goodbye would only hurt worse.
It would cause our hearts to bleed and our souls to slightly drain.
So we kept our goodbye sweet, light, playful, and almost nonchalant.
I knew that I would soon lie in his sexy arms, kiss his soft lips, and caress his beautiful brown skin.
It’s only a matter of time before I will be able to look into his piercing brown eyes that read my soul so accurately.
However, the moment I got into my car, I felt a slight tinge of pain followed by tears forming in my eyes.
We said goodbye so quickly, so peacefully.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
But when I pulled out of the driveway, I knew our quick goodbye would not cause me to miss him any less.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
We did our normal goodbye hugging and kissing.
Usually when people are not going to see each other for a while, their kisses and hugs are longer and more drawn out like a scene from your favorite Hollywood romance story.
Yet, we said our goodbye’s quick.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
We even joked and laughed with one another, not concerned with the distance that would soon come.
None of us looked like were planned to shed any tears.
We only shared smiles with one another in our last moments together.
Actually, for a moment, I forgot that I would not see him for a while.
The reality did not hit me as we stood by the door, kissing and hugging each other goodbye.
We just held a gaze, looked in each other’s eyes, giving each other an Eskimo kiss as we giggled and smiled.
It was as if we knew the goodbye was not going to be forever.
We knew that the separation from one another was only temporary.
Perhaps we knew in our hearts that a long, drawn out goodbye would only hurt worse.
It would cause our hearts to bleed and our souls to slightly drain.
So we kept our goodbye sweet, light, playful, and almost nonchalant.
I knew that I would soon lie in his sexy arms, kiss his soft lips, and caress his beautiful brown skin.
It’s only a matter of time before I will be able to look into his piercing brown eyes that read my soul so accurately.
However, the moment I got into my car, I felt a slight tinge of pain followed by tears forming in my eyes.
We said goodbye so quickly, so peacefully.
As if we were going to see each other tomorrow.
But when I pulled out of the driveway, I knew our quick goodbye would not cause me to miss him any less.
I am TIRED..and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...
I am tired. Let me reiterate, I am TIRED. Actually, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am exhausted, spent. I am tried. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Don’t worry, I am not physically sick. Thank God I am in perfect health. I am emotionally tired. Emotionally, I am drained. I have exerted so much emotional energy the past two years with nothing to show for it. The only thing it cost me is my energy. My emotional energy. And I have to wonder whether it was all worth it. I am drained from all the empty promises, all the time I put into making something go absolutely nowhere, and still being alone in the end. I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am tired of dating. I realize that is odd to say since I am considered so young. But, I am tired of dating. When you get yourself in several situations that never take you anywhere, but continues to drain you emotionally, you start to get aggregated. Most of the time, when you are single, you are supposed to enjoy the dating experience. It’s the opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what kind of man you want in your life. It gives you a fresh understanding of the standards you want regarding men. But I am at the point where, I am starting to not enjoy the experience of dating. It’s starting to become more annoying than enjoyable. And, just like a football player, when you are no longer feeling the game, it is time to remove yourself from the field. I think it is time for me to remove myself from the field. I am just emotionally drained, tired. And I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Honestly, I am not afraid of being single, as long as it means that I can be happy. I am content with living my life fulfilling what I want. I believe most women deal with unnecessary mess, and press on even though they are tired because they fear being alone. They fear not having someone to share their life with. I’d like to think that I have plenty of friends to share my life with, so not having a man in my life will be just fine. I’d have more control over my life, my emotions, and my worth. What I fear most is becoming a woman I do not recognize. In other words, I am afraid that one day I am going to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I fear allowing others to decide my worth. I fear becoming this woman that puts up with anything simply for a little bit of attention. So being single is not a fear of mine. I am terrified of loosing who Jayme Canty is, her identity, her worth. Overall, I fear losing myself in the mist of dating. So the single thing does not bother me. However, loosing myself does bother me.
So many times when you date, and things do not work out, the first place you examine is yourself. You tear yourself apart because something did not work out with a man. You sit around wondering what you did wrong or what you could have done better. Being single, you are able to take charge of your feelings. You are not going through a monthly evaluation of yourself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” The reality is that most women do not see that nothing is wrong with them. And the more this happens, the more women start to forget their worth and power. It’s a vicious cycle, all in the name of “love”. I refuse to put myself in that cycle. I started putting myself in that cycle, but quickly removed myself before it caused any serious damage. I will continue to keep reminding myself of my worth and power. I will continue to love myself, even if that means being single. Therefore, I do not fear being single. I embrace it now, with open arms.
Women are conditioned their entire lives to think that their lives are not fulfilled unless they are married with their 2.5 children. People constantly reminding them from the moment they leave the wound that their only purpose in life is to be a mother and wife, nothing more nothing less. I refuse to give into that social destruction. Of course, I would not mind marrying the love of my life and having children. However, I am starting to realize that that may be someone else’s dream and not my own. I am also starting to realize that image of a “perfect woman” placed upon my life does not define who I am as a woman. Nor will I internalize that image as my only truth and purpose in my life.
I have never been the kind of person who needed a man in her life to be happy. Therefore, I am not afraid of being single. I do not fear having a future without a man in it. As long as I am fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, that’s all that really matters to me. I have seen several women do it, and quite frankly, I see them living completely fulfilling lives. Don’t worry, I still laugh, sing, and smile even when I am completely single. I still give 110% into my school work, even when no one is there to encourage me or challenge me. I still share my life with plenty of people, so being single does not equate with being alone. After all, I am never alone. I always have my God, my family, and my friends to occupy my energy. So being single is starting to become the least of my worries.
I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep the sweet talk to yourself, because I have heard it all before. Keep the empty promises from my ears. If you are not going to follow through on what you say, then your words mean nothing to me. I can live without your fickleness. One minute you are proclaiming one thing, while the next minute you are saying something completely different. Or, you say one thing, yet your actions are saying something completely different. Please, keep that to yourself. I’d rather not be bothered with it. Quite frankly, if you have too much doubt in your mind, please just leave me be. Let me go on my merry way without you. Trust me, I will be fine.
My patience is low because I am so incredibly tired. I am tired of dating. Tired of the consistent text messages, phone calls, and sweet words followed by the “incognegro” act that most of you do so well. Honestly, I am tired of the temporary entertainment. You only come in my life to entertain me for a few months, and then gone almost as quickly as you came in. Let me make it easy for you, if you know you do not want a relationship from me, do not waste my time or energy. If simply love talking to me or my company when it is convenient for you, please see yourself out the door because I do not want to be bothered. And if you are serious about being with me—don’t just speak it—show me through your actions. Oh, and do not let the actions only last for a few weeks, because that will not fly sir. The test isn’t whether you will put in energy for a few weeks. After all, anyone can do that. That’s your representative. The test will be whether you continue to put up your best game well after the honeymoon period. If you do not want to put in the time, I will not be mad if you leave.
I want to be loved. I desire to be with my soul mate. I am ready for stability. I am at a point where I would be ready to give all my love to someone who is worthy. I am ready for a stable relationship with the man God places in my life. I am ready for someone to tell me they care and actually show it to me. I want someone who is willing to sacrifice for me because I will sacrifice for them. I want someone who will grow with me, instead of simply idly waiting on the sidelines. I need someone who is willing to make an effort because they want me in their life. I do not want someone who will waste my time, but will make my time with him worth it. Simply point: I simply want to be consistently loved, by thought, word and deed. And I promise to flood you with so much you do not know what to do with it. I promise to crown you as my King because you have proven yourself worthy of an Ebony Queen. Until that day, I have no problem going through this life without a man. I will proudly walk forward, even if that means I have to walk without my King by my side.
But right now, I am so exhausted, and spent. I am tired of dating. I am tired of going through this emotional roller coaster. I am just tired, so very tired of dating.
Overall, I am tried. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Don’t worry, I am not physically sick. Thank God I am in perfect health. I am emotionally tired. Emotionally, I am drained. I have exerted so much emotional energy the past two years with nothing to show for it. The only thing it cost me is my energy. My emotional energy. And I have to wonder whether it was all worth it. I am drained from all the empty promises, all the time I put into making something go absolutely nowhere, and still being alone in the end. I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am tired of dating. I realize that is odd to say since I am considered so young. But, I am tired of dating. When you get yourself in several situations that never take you anywhere, but continues to drain you emotionally, you start to get aggregated. Most of the time, when you are single, you are supposed to enjoy the dating experience. It’s the opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what kind of man you want in your life. It gives you a fresh understanding of the standards you want regarding men. But I am at the point where, I am starting to not enjoy the experience of dating. It’s starting to become more annoying than enjoyable. And, just like a football player, when you are no longer feeling the game, it is time to remove yourself from the field. I think it is time for me to remove myself from the field. I am just emotionally drained, tired. And I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Honestly, I am not afraid of being single, as long as it means that I can be happy. I am content with living my life fulfilling what I want. I believe most women deal with unnecessary mess, and press on even though they are tired because they fear being alone. They fear not having someone to share their life with. I’d like to think that I have plenty of friends to share my life with, so not having a man in my life will be just fine. I’d have more control over my life, my emotions, and my worth. What I fear most is becoming a woman I do not recognize. In other words, I am afraid that one day I am going to look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I fear allowing others to decide my worth. I fear becoming this woman that puts up with anything simply for a little bit of attention. So being single is not a fear of mine. I am terrified of loosing who Jayme Canty is, her identity, her worth. Overall, I fear losing myself in the mist of dating. So the single thing does not bother me. However, loosing myself does bother me.
So many times when you date, and things do not work out, the first place you examine is yourself. You tear yourself apart because something did not work out with a man. You sit around wondering what you did wrong or what you could have done better. Being single, you are able to take charge of your feelings. You are not going through a monthly evaluation of yourself wondering, “What is wrong with me?” The reality is that most women do not see that nothing is wrong with them. And the more this happens, the more women start to forget their worth and power. It’s a vicious cycle, all in the name of “love”. I refuse to put myself in that cycle. I started putting myself in that cycle, but quickly removed myself before it caused any serious damage. I will continue to keep reminding myself of my worth and power. I will continue to love myself, even if that means being single. Therefore, I do not fear being single. I embrace it now, with open arms.
Women are conditioned their entire lives to think that their lives are not fulfilled unless they are married with their 2.5 children. People constantly reminding them from the moment they leave the wound that their only purpose in life is to be a mother and wife, nothing more nothing less. I refuse to give into that social destruction. Of course, I would not mind marrying the love of my life and having children. However, I am starting to realize that that may be someone else’s dream and not my own. I am also starting to realize that image of a “perfect woman” placed upon my life does not define who I am as a woman. Nor will I internalize that image as my only truth and purpose in my life.
I have never been the kind of person who needed a man in her life to be happy. Therefore, I am not afraid of being single. I do not fear having a future without a man in it. As long as I am fulfilling God’s purpose for my life, that’s all that really matters to me. I have seen several women do it, and quite frankly, I see them living completely fulfilling lives. Don’t worry, I still laugh, sing, and smile even when I am completely single. I still give 110% into my school work, even when no one is there to encourage me or challenge me. I still share my life with plenty of people, so being single does not equate with being alone. After all, I am never alone. I always have my God, my family, and my friends to occupy my energy. So being single is starting to become the least of my worries.
I am tired. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep the sweet talk to yourself, because I have heard it all before. Keep the empty promises from my ears. If you are not going to follow through on what you say, then your words mean nothing to me. I can live without your fickleness. One minute you are proclaiming one thing, while the next minute you are saying something completely different. Or, you say one thing, yet your actions are saying something completely different. Please, keep that to yourself. I’d rather not be bothered with it. Quite frankly, if you have too much doubt in your mind, please just leave me be. Let me go on my merry way without you. Trust me, I will be fine.
My patience is low because I am so incredibly tired. I am tired of dating. Tired of the consistent text messages, phone calls, and sweet words followed by the “incognegro” act that most of you do so well. Honestly, I am tired of the temporary entertainment. You only come in my life to entertain me for a few months, and then gone almost as quickly as you came in. Let me make it easy for you, if you know you do not want a relationship from me, do not waste my time or energy. If simply love talking to me or my company when it is convenient for you, please see yourself out the door because I do not want to be bothered. And if you are serious about being with me—don’t just speak it—show me through your actions. Oh, and do not let the actions only last for a few weeks, because that will not fly sir. The test isn’t whether you will put in energy for a few weeks. After all, anyone can do that. That’s your representative. The test will be whether you continue to put up your best game well after the honeymoon period. If you do not want to put in the time, I will not be mad if you leave.
I want to be loved. I desire to be with my soul mate. I am ready for stability. I am at a point where I would be ready to give all my love to someone who is worthy. I am ready for a stable relationship with the man God places in my life. I am ready for someone to tell me they care and actually show it to me. I want someone who is willing to sacrifice for me because I will sacrifice for them. I want someone who will grow with me, instead of simply idly waiting on the sidelines. I need someone who is willing to make an effort because they want me in their life. I do not want someone who will waste my time, but will make my time with him worth it. Simply point: I simply want to be consistently loved, by thought, word and deed. And I promise to flood you with so much you do not know what to do with it. I promise to crown you as my King because you have proven yourself worthy of an Ebony Queen. Until that day, I have no problem going through this life without a man. I will proudly walk forward, even if that means I have to walk without my King by my side.
But right now, I am so exhausted, and spent. I am tired of dating. I am tired of going through this emotional roller coaster. I am just tired, so very tired of dating.
Overall, I am tried. And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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