Say What?!

"Well, I would love to be married one day.."
"I don't want to be married...I just don't see myself getting married."

Say WHAT?!

I can't believe you even said that. From day one, you knew I wanted to get married. I told you that I wanted the children, husband, and the black lab dog. I even imagined us being married, with you sharing your "no nonsense" commentary about my students. Now you are crushing that dream? I never realized how important this is to me, but I realize that it is. So now, it seems like the beginning of the end.

When I met you, you came into my life when I needed to have some fun. I just got out of a bad situation and wanted to smile again. So when you came into my life, a part of me did not think that this was going to build into anything other than a simply "hanging out". But soon, the more we started hanging out and sharing with one another, I realized my feelings for you grew. I suppose it's because of your physical physiche, perhaps it was your big heart, maybe that you allowed me to be me without any boundaries. Telling me that you don't want marriage puts an expiration date on this relationship we are building. After all, where is this really going to go? We hang out, but only because we are friends. I have enough friends.

Let me be honest. I'm tired of dating. I'm exhausted with the same sweet beginnings with the same depressing endings. I want something constant and stable within my life. Sure, I do not plan on getting married anytime soon. But I am at the point where I am ready to build a life with someone that can potentially lead to marriage. I'm afraid that if I stay, I would be settling for less than what I really want. And if you stay, you may feel more pressure from me to get married. In the end, we may both end up bitter.

I have never been a priority in someone's life. I've always had to settle with something that I really didn't want. I pray for the day where I can be a priority instead of an option. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. That's all I am asking for. Apparently thats too much to ask for. You said in the car how it sounds like I am settling. I realized that you are right. Perhaps we can't have the kind of relationship I want. But since I like you so much, I was actually willing to settle for the possibility of being with you. That's a hellofa risk that I am tired of making. Because in the end, it never works in my favor. Then I end up angry and bitter at myself and the other person.

You may think 26 is so young. But to me, 26 (almost 27) is not young anymore. There are certain things I don't have time for. I don't have the patience or "hang out" without the possibility of something more happening between us. That was cute when I was in my early 20s, but not so cute when I am knocking on 30s door. I am preparing to start my doctorate degree. I don't have time to play the same games or settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. This is such a conflict for me because of the way I feel about you. My feelings for you grew unexpectedly. And here I am trying to decide whether I should be patient over the SLIGHT POSSIBILITY you change your mind or leave now before I get in any futhur, knowing that you may never change your mind. So, do I put a smile on my face and pretend like I don't want more or just downgrade our relationship to merely friends?

But let's be honest. Many men do NOT see themselves as married, especially at this age. I'm starting to look forward to my 30s. At least then men start seeing the expiration date and start having meaningful relationships. I think I may have to accept the fact that I may not find a man in their late 20s who wants to be in a long-term relationship unless they have known the woman for like 20 years. And even then, they may have some reservations. It seems as though men are afraid of even uttering the word, "love" or "marriage". They may start breaking out in hives. So a part of me is not confident that this hypothetical man, who is willing to settle down before he age of 35-40 actually exists. So I may be treading an uncertain journey ( yet again), but I know that I can't get back in the same situation I was in before. I suppose I just have to be patient, and wait for someone who wants the same things I want.

But yeah, I might be waiting for that for a LONG time. I'm a 26 year old black female in Atlanta, competing with all the long weave, Mac make up, and business career. I know I am an awesome woman. But if I was a 27 year old black male in Atlanta, settling down may be the LAST thing on my mind. So I can't even be mad at you. Not to mention the societal fact that black men rarely have an example of a good marriage in their lifetimes. So if they do get married, then usually it is because they knocked someone up. Of course, that's never a gurantee either.

Either way, I want a lifetime committment with someone in the form of a marriage. I'm not saying I want to be married tomorrow, the next month, or the next year. But I want to start building a life with someone that could eventually lead to the alter. And I want to be married a few years before kids. I want to start a life with that ONE person. I am sorry if that's too much for you, but that's how I feel. If you don't want that, then I suppose I am going to have to consider dwindling our relationship to a friendship. We've created some fantastic memories together. But, I suppose that this may be where we get off this love train and go our seperate ways.