Decisions, decisions...

I swear, every time I go on Facebook, I see someone on my Newsfeed that I do not recognize by name. Usually, I have to click on the name to figure out who the individual is. Most of the time, it is my female Facebook friends. And the reason I had to go on this little expedition is because they got married and changed their last name. This would be a question I would often gloss past my mind for a split second before moving on to "more pressing" issues or business. However, I'm realizing that this is a conversation that occurs often among women. Regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual preference, or religion, we all have engaged in this conversation sometime throughout our lives.

Earlier today, I did my typical Facebook Newsfeed glance and came across an article from Michael Baisden regarding whether women should change their maiden names. If you want to read the entire article, feel free to check my Facebook page. It claimed that women, particularly African-American women, tend to be more traditional. The article states how African-American women simply take their husband's last name. I have to admit, when I first read it, I was surprised. I assumed the article was going to highlight how a large number of women who choose NOT to take on their husband's name. While the article did mention this small percentage of women, the article focused more on those traditionalist women who take their husband's name. While the article was very good in outlining it's research, I wonder the demographics of the African-American women they received their data from. After all, black women are not a homogeneous group. We come from different religions ideologies, political stances, family norms, etc. Not to mention the fact that age could be a major factor as well. I wondered how old these women were who they used for their data. I hypothesize that age and religious affliction may determine whether women decide to take their husband's last name. Any who, my question was: did these women WANT to change their names? More importantly, how much time did they spend thinking about this issue? Was it a struggle for them to ultimately reach this decision?

I remember my first semester of graduate school, I took a class called Introduction to Women's Studies. We discussed how earlier feminist and radical feminist viewed the institution of marriage. The article above mentioned this same discussion. As we all know, legally women were considered property of their fathers and/or husbands. So taking on the name was like their official ownership of you. Hopefully, men are not still in this patriarchal stance. But you never know ladies, so be careful about who you date. Any who, during this class, I also received another revelation from my professor. Women "change" their names depending on their age or professional development. When we come out the wound, our name starts with "Miss". When we turn 18 our name starts with "Ms". Then when we get married, our names change to "Mrs" along with a new last name. Our names always change. You know whether we are single, married, and age based solely on our names. Yet, when the men come out the wound, they are considered "Mr." This name does not change the rest of their lives. If they want to keep "Mr. JaVion Qatavis Jenkins", they can. If we ever were a fly on the wall during conversations among men, I highly doubt you hear them discussing this name change. After all, whether they are 5, 15, or 50, their names remain the same. Furthermore, this name change is assuming that women do not become "complete" until they have "Mrs. So-in-So" as their names. Or, when their name is joined with another, then they have arrived at their ultimate destination. It is as if our maiden name meant nothing until that man came into our lives and "completed us". And men wonder why women are so obsessed with the institution of marriage. According to societal norms, we're not a complete PERSON or have a full IDENTITY until we get married. What woman wouldn't want that? I have a bit of a problem with this. This societal norm was brought to my attention during this class. It was a problem for me then, and still remains a problem with me today.

Regardless of all that, if someone were to ask me today whether I wanted to get married, I would say absolutely. I know that seems ludicrous given my statement above. But, marriage is more than just completing a piece of my identity. I'd like to think that I my identity was intact before I decide to share my life with someone else. I am grateful that the article inferred one major point: women have a CHOICE now. We have the choice to whether we want to keep his name, keep our own name, or hyphenate. I worked with a professor at A&T who did not change her last name once she got married. At first, I found it odd, but realized that she was a woman with a terminal degree. That means she has published articles, wrote a dissertation, spoke at conferences all under her maiden name. What a hassle it would be to change her name simply because she found love AFTER receiving her doctorate degree. On the other hand, I know women who rushed to change their names the moment the wedding ended. I'm sure they were on the phone with the Social Security office changing their name as soon as the wedding bells stopped. Despite what I ranted about earlier, I support both sides. More importantly, I support the women's choice to choose what is best for them. I wouldn't consider it necessarily a "feminist issue" because we DO have a choice of what we would like to do. To me, something is labeled a feminist issue once the women's choice is revoked for some patriarchal reason. Yet this name change will always be a WOMAN'S issue, whether you are married or not.

It's amazing to me that even in this time with a large percentage of professional women that women still struggle with this issue. I believe all women, regardless of race or ethnicity, struggle with this internal conflict of the traditional versus the progressive. We do not want to deny our traditional norms, but we also want to move past that to make decisions that are right for us. This is simply one example of that conflict taking place. While the article was a great opinion/research topic, that article would be more interesting if they focused more on that struggle. That seems to be the root of this discussion. Women frequently compromise either the traditional side or the progressive side depending on the situation they are in. I'd hypothesize that many African-American women struggle with this because they are active in church now or grew up in the church. Sometimes it is simply cultural norms. Regardless of why, I believe that historically society has put women in a very compromising position regarding issues such as this one. On one hand, denying our tradition and focusing on the progressive would be like denying our culture and heritage. Yet, on the other hand, the traditional can stifle us from making the best decision for us. Unfortunately, the tradition has not caught up with the progressive yet, hence the struggle.

However you choose my sistah, the beauty of it is that YOU ultimately decide. Sure, you may want to share it with the man (or woman) you decide to marry. But ultimately it's a choice of whether you can and want to compromise the traditional with the progressive. Only you can decide that. But if you do change your last name, I suggest you ask your future hubby or wifey to help you with the paperwork. ;)