I swear, every time I go on Facebook, I see someone on my Newsfeed that I do not recognize by name. Usually, I have to click on the name to figure out who the individual is. Most of the time, it is my female Facebook friends. And the reason I had to go on this little expedition is because they got married and changed their last name. This would be a question I would often gloss past my mind for a split second before moving on to "more pressing" issues or business. However, I'm realizing that this is a conversation that occurs often among women. Regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual preference, or religion, we all have engaged in this conversation sometime throughout our lives.
Earlier today, I did my typical Facebook Newsfeed glance and came across an article from Michael Baisden regarding whether women should change their maiden names. If you want to read the entire article, feel free to check my Facebook page. It claimed that women, particularly African-American women, tend to be more traditional. The article states how African-American women simply take their husband's last name. I have to admit, when I first read it, I was surprised. I assumed the article was going to highlight how a large number of women who choose NOT to take on their husband's name. While the article did mention this small percentage of women, the article focused more on those traditionalist women who take their husband's name. While the article was very good in outlining it's research, I wonder the demographics of the African-American women they received their data from. After all, black women are not a homogeneous group. We come from different religions ideologies, political stances, family norms, etc. Not to mention the fact that age could be a major factor as well. I wondered how old these women were who they used for their data. I hypothesize that age and religious affliction may determine whether women decide to take their husband's last name. Any who, my question was: did these women WANT to change their names? More importantly, how much time did they spend thinking about this issue? Was it a struggle for them to ultimately reach this decision?
I remember my first semester of graduate school, I took a class called Introduction to Women's Studies. We discussed how earlier feminist and radical feminist viewed the institution of marriage. The article above mentioned this same discussion. As we all know, legally women were considered property of their fathers and/or husbands. So taking on the name was like their official ownership of you. Hopefully, men are not still in this patriarchal stance. But you never know ladies, so be careful about who you date. Any who, during this class, I also received another revelation from my professor. Women "change" their names depending on their age or professional development. When we come out the wound, our name starts with "Miss". When we turn 18 our name starts with "Ms". Then when we get married, our names change to "Mrs" along with a new last name. Our names always change. You know whether we are single, married, and age based solely on our names. Yet, when the men come out the wound, they are considered "Mr." This name does not change the rest of their lives. If they want to keep "Mr. JaVion Qatavis Jenkins", they can. If we ever were a fly on the wall during conversations among men, I highly doubt you hear them discussing this name change. After all, whether they are 5, 15, or 50, their names remain the same. Furthermore, this name change is assuming that women do not become "complete" until they have "Mrs. So-in-So" as their names. Or, when their name is joined with another, then they have arrived at their ultimate destination. It is as if our maiden name meant nothing until that man came into our lives and "completed us". And men wonder why women are so obsessed with the institution of marriage. According to societal norms, we're not a complete PERSON or have a full IDENTITY until we get married. What woman wouldn't want that? I have a bit of a problem with this. This societal norm was brought to my attention during this class. It was a problem for me then, and still remains a problem with me today.
Regardless of all that, if someone were to ask me today whether I wanted to get married, I would say absolutely. I know that seems ludicrous given my statement above. But, marriage is more than just completing a piece of my identity. I'd like to think that I my identity was intact before I decide to share my life with someone else. I am grateful that the article inferred one major point: women have a CHOICE now. We have the choice to whether we want to keep his name, keep our own name, or hyphenate. I worked with a professor at A&T who did not change her last name once she got married. At first, I found it odd, but realized that she was a woman with a terminal degree. That means she has published articles, wrote a dissertation, spoke at conferences all under her maiden name. What a hassle it would be to change her name simply because she found love AFTER receiving her doctorate degree. On the other hand, I know women who rushed to change their names the moment the wedding ended. I'm sure they were on the phone with the Social Security office changing their name as soon as the wedding bells stopped. Despite what I ranted about earlier, I support both sides. More importantly, I support the women's choice to choose what is best for them. I wouldn't consider it necessarily a "feminist issue" because we DO have a choice of what we would like to do. To me, something is labeled a feminist issue once the women's choice is revoked for some patriarchal reason. Yet this name change will always be a WOMAN'S issue, whether you are married or not.
It's amazing to me that even in this time with a large percentage of professional women that women still struggle with this issue. I believe all women, regardless of race or ethnicity, struggle with this internal conflict of the traditional versus the progressive. We do not want to deny our traditional norms, but we also want to move past that to make decisions that are right for us. This is simply one example of that conflict taking place. While the article was a great opinion/research topic, that article would be more interesting if they focused more on that struggle. That seems to be the root of this discussion. Women frequently compromise either the traditional side or the progressive side depending on the situation they are in. I'd hypothesize that many African-American women struggle with this because they are active in church now or grew up in the church. Sometimes it is simply cultural norms. Regardless of why, I believe that historically society has put women in a very compromising position regarding issues such as this one. On one hand, denying our tradition and focusing on the progressive would be like denying our culture and heritage. Yet, on the other hand, the traditional can stifle us from making the best decision for us. Unfortunately, the tradition has not caught up with the progressive yet, hence the struggle.
However you choose my sistah, the beauty of it is that YOU ultimately decide. Sure, you may want to share it with the man (or woman) you decide to marry. But ultimately it's a choice of whether you can and want to compromise the traditional with the progressive. Only you can decide that. But if you do change your last name, I suggest you ask your future hubby or wifey to help you with the paperwork. ;)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Say What?!
"Well, I would love to be married one day.."
"I don't want to be married...I just don't see myself getting married."
Say WHAT?!
I can't believe you even said that. From day one, you knew I wanted to get married. I told you that I wanted the children, husband, and the black lab dog. I even imagined us being married, with you sharing your "no nonsense" commentary about my students. Now you are crushing that dream? I never realized how important this is to me, but I realize that it is. So now, it seems like the beginning of the end.
When I met you, you came into my life when I needed to have some fun. I just got out of a bad situation and wanted to smile again. So when you came into my life, a part of me did not think that this was going to build into anything other than a simply "hanging out". But soon, the more we started hanging out and sharing with one another, I realized my feelings for you grew. I suppose it's because of your physical physiche, perhaps it was your big heart, maybe that you allowed me to be me without any boundaries. Telling me that you don't want marriage puts an expiration date on this relationship we are building. After all, where is this really going to go? We hang out, but only because we are friends. I have enough friends.
Let me be honest. I'm tired of dating. I'm exhausted with the same sweet beginnings with the same depressing endings. I want something constant and stable within my life. Sure, I do not plan on getting married anytime soon. But I am at the point where I am ready to build a life with someone that can potentially lead to marriage. I'm afraid that if I stay, I would be settling for less than what I really want. And if you stay, you may feel more pressure from me to get married. In the end, we may both end up bitter.
I have never been a priority in someone's life. I've always had to settle with something that I really didn't want. I pray for the day where I can be a priority instead of an option. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. That's all I am asking for. Apparently thats too much to ask for. You said in the car how it sounds like I am settling. I realized that you are right. Perhaps we can't have the kind of relationship I want. But since I like you so much, I was actually willing to settle for the possibility of being with you. That's a hellofa risk that I am tired of making. Because in the end, it never works in my favor. Then I end up angry and bitter at myself and the other person.
You may think 26 is so young. But to me, 26 (almost 27) is not young anymore. There are certain things I don't have time for. I don't have the patience or "hang out" without the possibility of something more happening between us. That was cute when I was in my early 20s, but not so cute when I am knocking on 30s door. I am preparing to start my doctorate degree. I don't have time to play the same games or settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. This is such a conflict for me because of the way I feel about you. My feelings for you grew unexpectedly. And here I am trying to decide whether I should be patient over the SLIGHT POSSIBILITY you change your mind or leave now before I get in any futhur, knowing that you may never change your mind. So, do I put a smile on my face and pretend like I don't want more or just downgrade our relationship to merely friends?
But let's be honest. Many men do NOT see themselves as married, especially at this age. I'm starting to look forward to my 30s. At least then men start seeing the expiration date and start having meaningful relationships. I think I may have to accept the fact that I may not find a man in their late 20s who wants to be in a long-term relationship unless they have known the woman for like 20 years. And even then, they may have some reservations. It seems as though men are afraid of even uttering the word, "love" or "marriage". They may start breaking out in hives. So a part of me is not confident that this hypothetical man, who is willing to settle down before he age of 35-40 actually exists. So I may be treading an uncertain journey ( yet again), but I know that I can't get back in the same situation I was in before. I suppose I just have to be patient, and wait for someone who wants the same things I want.
But yeah, I might be waiting for that for a LONG time. I'm a 26 year old black female in Atlanta, competing with all the long weave, Mac make up, and business career. I know I am an awesome woman. But if I was a 27 year old black male in Atlanta, settling down may be the LAST thing on my mind. So I can't even be mad at you. Not to mention the societal fact that black men rarely have an example of a good marriage in their lifetimes. So if they do get married, then usually it is because they knocked someone up. Of course, that's never a gurantee either.
Either way, I want a lifetime committment with someone in the form of a marriage. I'm not saying I want to be married tomorrow, the next month, or the next year. But I want to start building a life with someone that could eventually lead to the alter. And I want to be married a few years before kids. I want to start a life with that ONE person. I am sorry if that's too much for you, but that's how I feel. If you don't want that, then I suppose I am going to have to consider dwindling our relationship to a friendship. We've created some fantastic memories together. But, I suppose that this may be where we get off this love train and go our seperate ways.
"I don't want to be married...I just don't see myself getting married."
Say WHAT?!
I can't believe you even said that. From day one, you knew I wanted to get married. I told you that I wanted the children, husband, and the black lab dog. I even imagined us being married, with you sharing your "no nonsense" commentary about my students. Now you are crushing that dream? I never realized how important this is to me, but I realize that it is. So now, it seems like the beginning of the end.
When I met you, you came into my life when I needed to have some fun. I just got out of a bad situation and wanted to smile again. So when you came into my life, a part of me did not think that this was going to build into anything other than a simply "hanging out". But soon, the more we started hanging out and sharing with one another, I realized my feelings for you grew. I suppose it's because of your physical physiche, perhaps it was your big heart, maybe that you allowed me to be me without any boundaries. Telling me that you don't want marriage puts an expiration date on this relationship we are building. After all, where is this really going to go? We hang out, but only because we are friends. I have enough friends.
Let me be honest. I'm tired of dating. I'm exhausted with the same sweet beginnings with the same depressing endings. I want something constant and stable within my life. Sure, I do not plan on getting married anytime soon. But I am at the point where I am ready to build a life with someone that can potentially lead to marriage. I'm afraid that if I stay, I would be settling for less than what I really want. And if you stay, you may feel more pressure from me to get married. In the end, we may both end up bitter.
I have never been a priority in someone's life. I've always had to settle with something that I really didn't want. I pray for the day where I can be a priority instead of an option. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. That's all I am asking for. Apparently thats too much to ask for. You said in the car how it sounds like I am settling. I realized that you are right. Perhaps we can't have the kind of relationship I want. But since I like you so much, I was actually willing to settle for the possibility of being with you. That's a hellofa risk that I am tired of making. Because in the end, it never works in my favor. Then I end up angry and bitter at myself and the other person.
You may think 26 is so young. But to me, 26 (almost 27) is not young anymore. There are certain things I don't have time for. I don't have the patience or "hang out" without the possibility of something more happening between us. That was cute when I was in my early 20s, but not so cute when I am knocking on 30s door. I am preparing to start my doctorate degree. I don't have time to play the same games or settle for anything less than what I think I deserve. This is such a conflict for me because of the way I feel about you. My feelings for you grew unexpectedly. And here I am trying to decide whether I should be patient over the SLIGHT POSSIBILITY you change your mind or leave now before I get in any futhur, knowing that you may never change your mind. So, do I put a smile on my face and pretend like I don't want more or just downgrade our relationship to merely friends?
But let's be honest. Many men do NOT see themselves as married, especially at this age. I'm starting to look forward to my 30s. At least then men start seeing the expiration date and start having meaningful relationships. I think I may have to accept the fact that I may not find a man in their late 20s who wants to be in a long-term relationship unless they have known the woman for like 20 years. And even then, they may have some reservations. It seems as though men are afraid of even uttering the word, "love" or "marriage". They may start breaking out in hives. So a part of me is not confident that this hypothetical man, who is willing to settle down before he age of 35-40 actually exists. So I may be treading an uncertain journey ( yet again), but I know that I can't get back in the same situation I was in before. I suppose I just have to be patient, and wait for someone who wants the same things I want.
But yeah, I might be waiting for that for a LONG time. I'm a 26 year old black female in Atlanta, competing with all the long weave, Mac make up, and business career. I know I am an awesome woman. But if I was a 27 year old black male in Atlanta, settling down may be the LAST thing on my mind. So I can't even be mad at you. Not to mention the societal fact that black men rarely have an example of a good marriage in their lifetimes. So if they do get married, then usually it is because they knocked someone up. Of course, that's never a gurantee either.
Either way, I want a lifetime committment with someone in the form of a marriage. I'm not saying I want to be married tomorrow, the next month, or the next year. But I want to start building a life with someone that could eventually lead to the alter. And I want to be married a few years before kids. I want to start a life with that ONE person. I am sorry if that's too much for you, but that's how I feel. If you don't want that, then I suppose I am going to have to consider dwindling our relationship to a friendship. We've created some fantastic memories together. But, I suppose that this may be where we get off this love train and go our seperate ways.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sometimes, we are really hilarious...
Wow, how long has it been since I've written something? I suppose when you are writing a thesis, all your writing energy is focused on that. Well, my thesis is written and the hiadus is over! Thank you for having me back *takes a bow*
I did not come back to this blog randomly. In fact, it came up in the mist of my job searching on Craigslist while watching an episode of The Golden Girls. I just hope I don't get a hit by that aweful Craigslist killer. Anyway, as I looked at the job postings, there was one for "relationship blogger". That certainley peaked my interest enough to send in a few of my articles that I have written in the past. I tried to send ones that were light and entertaining while also empowering and enlightening. Well, I only had a few of them. Most of them were "I'm pissed off at him/her", "Why me?", "I am two seconds from crawling in the dark and listening to Sade", or "I'm a strong black woman, hear me roar". However, many of them were not light. And the ones that were light I wrote when I was completing undergrad at A&T (Insert an Aggie Pride here: AGGIE PRIDE).
Sure, I am great about talking about relationships that I have rarley been in or the dating experience that I have TOO much experience in. But most of it is from an angry or frustrated place. Has dating really caused me to become angry or negative about relationships? Has my dating experiences made me bitter? God forbid, have I become that Angela Basset character in "Waiting to Exhale" blowing up my ex's car with a smile on my face? The one blog/writing I did do about "Just Friends" and "Ode to Single Women" are my favorite blogs/posts because they were outside of that character. They sheaded some positive, yet inspiring light on relationships and dating. They asked major questions that I would ask from day to day without making the reader feel like I'm about to cut my wrist (don't worry, I don't plan on mutilating myself).
The truth is, dating and relationships can be funny, entertaining, and thought-provoking all at the same time. We like to male bash or women bash frequently. After all, dating brings out that side of us. But how about those funny memories and experiences we have in this dating world. If we cannot make light of this, then how can we enjoy it? We are in this dating game, playing it to the best of our abilities. Yet we can't find some light in it? If we find ourselves dating again, then we should find some instances in our interactions with people that are actually funny. Sometimes, we are really hilarious.
I know, dating and funny seems like an oxymoron, but it really isn't. We are dealing with people. That by itself is hilarious. What do I mean by this? Let me give you some examples:
1 . Dating a guy who is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of you...but somehow it works. The ying to your yang...it is so evident in the music selections you two play in the car. He'd rather listen to songs with gun shots in them while you listen to the kind of music that should only be played in a coffee shop.
2. Being on a date with a guy, and while you are singing to yourself, he's telling you to stick to your day job. But tries to cover it up by saying, "Well you look beautiful while singing off-key!"
3. Talking in the phone with your boo on the late night hour...then getting interrupted by a scream because you found a bug crawling on your phone. How about phone sex now?
4. Telling the woman you are dating that you are leaving at 7pm when the movie really starts at 8:40pm so you will actually be on time.
5. Of course the "does this make me look fat" dilemma among men and women. By the way women, stop asking that question...you may get an awser you don't want or a lie. Either way, unproductive.
6. Driving home late at night, wondering why your windows look so foggy. Then realizing when you get home that you left them at his house. Don't worry, you get the "How the heck did you get home?" question
7. Tipsy after the first date with a guy from your class because you wanted to try the "Hurricane" drink...imagine trying to be "first date cute" with 2 Hurricanes and a Lemon Drop Martini in your system.
8. When a man is awakened by his girlfriend at 7am because she needs him to take her home to pick up her "feminine products"...needless to say, the man caved in and allowed her to keep a bag at his house.
9. Cooking somethingfor someone then realizing they were allergic to something you put in the dish. Ooopsies..want me to call 911 now? Your face is starting to swell up...
10. Eating something that causes gas and trying to hide it from the other person. "Um, what's that noise?"--"Nothing, just stomach growling." --"We just ate." --"Well, fine. If you want to know, it's gas."--"Um...okay."
These are probably somewhat lame, but funny experiences that may occur in the dating life that are often overlooked by the constant questioning and baggering. Sometimes we look at the negative parts of the relationships without taking the time to see the light, fun aspects of the relationship. Even if the relationship doesn't last, they brought some light in that season they were in your life. While you gained some insight, you also gained some laughs. Even though we may inquire about dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with making some light of our situations. The older I get, the more I realize that this component is as important as finding the deeper lessons from each relationship.
Try it! Try thinking of those times that made you smile, those issues that you do ask without any bitterness or distain, or those confusing situations that arise from dating. I think that should be our focus sometimes. We can't always be in the dark when it comes to this dating thing. Don't worry, I plan to make an effort to make things a little lighter. I'm turning off Sade, turning on the light, and remembering to laughing while I date.
I did not come back to this blog randomly. In fact, it came up in the mist of my job searching on Craigslist while watching an episode of The Golden Girls. I just hope I don't get a hit by that aweful Craigslist killer. Anyway, as I looked at the job postings, there was one for "relationship blogger". That certainley peaked my interest enough to send in a few of my articles that I have written in the past. I tried to send ones that were light and entertaining while also empowering and enlightening. Well, I only had a few of them. Most of them were "I'm pissed off at him/her", "Why me?", "I am two seconds from crawling in the dark and listening to Sade", or "I'm a strong black woman, hear me roar". However, many of them were not light. And the ones that were light I wrote when I was completing undergrad at A&T (Insert an Aggie Pride here: AGGIE PRIDE).
Sure, I am great about talking about relationships that I have rarley been in or the dating experience that I have TOO much experience in. But most of it is from an angry or frustrated place. Has dating really caused me to become angry or negative about relationships? Has my dating experiences made me bitter? God forbid, have I become that Angela Basset character in "Waiting to Exhale" blowing up my ex's car with a smile on my face? The one blog/writing I did do about "Just Friends" and "Ode to Single Women" are my favorite blogs/posts because they were outside of that character. They sheaded some positive, yet inspiring light on relationships and dating. They asked major questions that I would ask from day to day without making the reader feel like I'm about to cut my wrist (don't worry, I don't plan on mutilating myself).
The truth is, dating and relationships can be funny, entertaining, and thought-provoking all at the same time. We like to male bash or women bash frequently. After all, dating brings out that side of us. But how about those funny memories and experiences we have in this dating world. If we cannot make light of this, then how can we enjoy it? We are in this dating game, playing it to the best of our abilities. Yet we can't find some light in it? If we find ourselves dating again, then we should find some instances in our interactions with people that are actually funny. Sometimes, we are really hilarious.
I know, dating and funny seems like an oxymoron, but it really isn't. We are dealing with people. That by itself is hilarious. What do I mean by this? Let me give you some examples:
1 . Dating a guy who is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of you...but somehow it works. The ying to your yang...it is so evident in the music selections you two play in the car. He'd rather listen to songs with gun shots in them while you listen to the kind of music that should only be played in a coffee shop.
2. Being on a date with a guy, and while you are singing to yourself, he's telling you to stick to your day job. But tries to cover it up by saying, "Well you look beautiful while singing off-key!"
3. Talking in the phone with your boo on the late night hour...then getting interrupted by a scream because you found a bug crawling on your phone. How about phone sex now?
4. Telling the woman you are dating that you are leaving at 7pm when the movie really starts at 8:40pm so you will actually be on time.
5. Of course the "does this make me look fat" dilemma among men and women. By the way women, stop asking that question...you may get an awser you don't want or a lie. Either way, unproductive.
6. Driving home late at night, wondering why your windows look so foggy. Then realizing when you get home that you left them at his house. Don't worry, you get the "How the heck did you get home?" question
7. Tipsy after the first date with a guy from your class because you wanted to try the "Hurricane" drink...imagine trying to be "first date cute" with 2 Hurricanes and a Lemon Drop Martini in your system.
8. When a man is awakened by his girlfriend at 7am because she needs him to take her home to pick up her "feminine products"...needless to say, the man caved in and allowed her to keep a bag at his house.
9. Cooking somethingfor someone then realizing they were allergic to something you put in the dish. Ooopsies..want me to call 911 now? Your face is starting to swell up...
10. Eating something that causes gas and trying to hide it from the other person. "Um, what's that noise?"--"Nothing, just stomach growling." --"We just ate." --"Well, fine. If you want to know, it's gas."--"Um...okay."
These are probably somewhat lame, but funny experiences that may occur in the dating life that are often overlooked by the constant questioning and baggering. Sometimes we look at the negative parts of the relationships without taking the time to see the light, fun aspects of the relationship. Even if the relationship doesn't last, they brought some light in that season they were in your life. While you gained some insight, you also gained some laughs. Even though we may inquire about dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with making some light of our situations. The older I get, the more I realize that this component is as important as finding the deeper lessons from each relationship.
Try it! Try thinking of those times that made you smile, those issues that you do ask without any bitterness or distain, or those confusing situations that arise from dating. I think that should be our focus sometimes. We can't always be in the dark when it comes to this dating thing. Don't worry, I plan to make an effort to make things a little lighter. I'm turning off Sade, turning on the light, and remembering to laughing while I date.
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