The Quest to Define Love

I recall a conversation I had with a gentleman about a year ago. For some strange reason, that night is flashing through my mind as if it happened yesterday. I remembered it was one of our "deep" conversations, where we were discussing relationships. Mind you, we were not talking about OUR relationship, but relationships in a general context. Throughout our conversation, I remembered asking him how he would define love. He paused for a moment and replied, "I don't know if I can answer that question." I slightly squinted my face for two reasons: 1) I was starting to feel this guy and that was NOT the answer I was looking for; and 2) I didn't think it was a hard question, so why was he struggling with it? I suppose he heard my hesitation because he followed up by saying, "Well I don't want to tell you some bullshit just to say I told you something. If I am going to define it, I want to be able to be accurate."

Ironically, a year later, I am struggling with that same question. If he would have turned the question on me, I wonder how I would have answered it at that point in my life. Perhaps I would have been idealistic. I might have answered how "love concurs all". Or maybe I would have been realistic with a response such as, "love can kick rocks". But if that same conversation took place right now, I would simply reply, "I'm trying to figure that out for myself." Quite frankly, a lot of us need to reply to that question the same way.

I honestly say that I have been in deep "like" before. I have "fallen hard" for several guys. But, if you were to ask me whether I loved them, I cannot say I did with 100% certainty. For example, I told my ex boyfriend that I loved him several times. And at the time, I did. However, the older I get, the more I realize that that love I had for him was extremely shallow. I would even argue that it was a love out of convenience. While I cared deeply for him and "fell hard" for him, did I really love him or was it "strong like"? Or perhaps I did love him with all that I had. And trust me, that wasn't much.

Now I am in a situation where I am in a "deep like" for someone. While I have used the term "love", I do not know whether that is what I feel. Ironically, it was the same person I mentioned above. But the slightest thing, and I'm ready to shut down again. If he doesn't text back, I start shutting down. If he doesn't come see me when he said he would, I shut down. If he doesn't contact me, I start to shut down. I do that as if shutting down makes it easier for me to deal with things before I get hurt. He hasn't done anything for me not to trust him nor has he hurt me. But, I find myself still hiding behind walls. The wall I built up.

The question is: why am I so afraid of love? Most importantly, where do these walls come from? Yes, I've been hurt and disappointed by people. But I haven't had a serious relationship in YEARS. Ironically, it isn't the walls that have been built up from past experiences. Sometimes it's walls built due to fear of the unknown. Perhaps I am afraid of love because I have seen what it has done to others. Or maybe I struggle with this idea of "surrendering" within a relationship. Or maybe I just have no earthly clue what this thing called "love" is. The more I thought about it, I realized it was the latter. I know what it means to love your family. But loving someone who is not your flesh and blood is slightly difficult to grasp.

I may define love as one thing, but what if it isn't what I think it is? So many times we make love into an idealistic, individualistic feeling. Love stems well beyond a mere emotional feeling. While it may start there, that's not all it is. So many people describe love in terms of, "me" or "I" instead of "we". At times, we deal with things in the name of "love". Then, we do things in order to avoid love. It's a tricky game that everyone wants to participate in without really knowing the rules. A question came to me today pertaining to this very question. Then I finally asked myself, "What does God say about love?" I found myself stunned because I could not adequately answer that question. Sure, I went to the "Love is patient and kind" verse that we all hear at weddings. Yet, what does that REALLY mean? In this day in age, what does patience and kindness entail?

So I decided that that needs to be my new spiritual journey. This is not just a Christian journey, because love manifests itself in every religion and spiritual entity. However, I will start with Christianity because I am familiar with that spiritual base. Instead of fearing the unknown, I must take a look at what God defines love as because man's definition of love may be warped by personal gain. More importantly, when God's hand is in it, then it is perfect. When man takes a hold of something, it might be corrupted. We can't help it. After all, we are only flesh and blood with a limited scope on issues such as love.

So feel free to join me on this quest to define love. Keep in mind that I am not a theologian. So the only thing I am planning to do is say what the scripture says. That's all. I look forward to this journey.