I Don't Know How to Say....

It's amazing,
Because I do not know what to say.
Or how to say it.
Which is so unusual for me.
But, I know how I feel.
Yet I cannot say it outloud.
It's one of those moments where you do not know whether to smile or cry.
You bottle up the feelings inside,
Hoping you can pour them all out one day.
Until that day, you do not utter a single word.

I don't know how to say
The way I feel about you.
I know that my soul smile when you are around.
I feel my heart beating so fast,
I think it will fall out of my chest.
No matter what kind of day I am having,
I know that your touch heals me.
But, I still keep my mouth shut.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
I know that no one has been able to replace you.
I find myself comparing every man in my life to you.
Whether they are funny or tough like you.
Whether they make my heart melt.
Whether they make me feel more like a woman.
Somehow, they always come up short.
Never quite matching up to you.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
I know that I get excited to recieve a text or call from you.
I smile to myself and think, "Yes, it's him."
I anwser promptly as possible, because hearing your voice...
Just hearing it,
Makes all the worries fade away.
And your text, always has the sweestest greetings.
That are bound to brighten my darkest days.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But I know that we have never had a fight.
Our disagreements are always light, and challenging.
Never demeaning or disrespectful.
I worry that we never fight with each other.
But I'm glad we only have tight intellectual discussions
That leave us both enlightened.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But I know when something good happens,
You are one of the first people I want to tell.
When something happens to you,
I want to share in that moment with you
Whether it is wonderful or hurtful.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But it drives me nuts
When I don't hear from you.
I yearn to hear from you,
In whatever capacity technology will allow.
While I will settle for a technology hit from you,
I'd rather be in your presence.
So we can touch, kiss, and tussle around.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But you are the epitome of black manhood.
You compliment me in every way.
I won't say you complete me,
Because I complete myself.
But you sure do understand what it means
To be a real man to a real woman.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
I do know that I feel alive when I'm with you.
Each time we are together,
My feelings toward you only intensify.
And my heart hasn't been able to stray away from you.
My mind always tells me to walk away,
But my heart says, "You can't help how you feel about this man."

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But I can see our future together.
With our home, children, and the dogs.
With football parties, family gatherings, and children's play dates.
With the quiet evenings on the couch laying in your arms.
With making love all night.
Ending with us falling asleep with each other.
We are sharing our life together in bliss.
Not perfection, but basking in the happiness of one another.

I don't know how to say,
The way I feel about you.
But I think you are one one.
And maybe one day,
I'll actually be able to tell you
The way I feel about you.

Why? We've got to do better, single people...

People have often asked me why they go through the things they go through. I often hear my single friends complain about the disappointments they face in their lives dealing with dating. While I hear what they have to say, I often do not have anything left but the typical cliche responses that I even hate to hear. The reason I respond the way I do is simply because I cannot anwser their questions. I cannot sooth their pain. I cannot say something magical to make everything alright because I often ask myself and God those same questions. They'll ask me "when their day will come", "when will I finally be happy?", or "when will someone love me the way I love them?". I sit and wonder the same question myself. They will share their frustrations with me about, "Why?" and "Why not me?" and all I can do is say, "Trust me, I know what you mean." But I cannot anwser their questions. After all, I am plagued with the same concerns.

It does not make sense when I see wonderful people being mistreated by others. I get hurt hearing my friends go through the hardships when dating is supposed to be fun. People have somehow made something innocent and playful so demeaning and vindictive. It seems as though everyone is looking out for themselves instead of looking deep within themselves to find the truth. I swear, once a day everyone should take a long look in the mirror at themselves. To find out who the fuck they are. And figure out why they hurt the people they care about the way they do. Usually it is because they have been hurt by other people. So they carry that shit with them, hurting another person. Unfortunately, the cycle continues. This horrible, disgusting cycle that we do to each other has got to stop. Because at the end of the day, someone is always hurt. Someone ends up crying themselves to sleep. When they wake up in the morning, they sometimes wonder, "Why?" and "Why not me?"

All I am asking is that we start knowing who we are and what we want out of life. I am so tired of hearing good people getting hurt by people that did not know what they wanted. Too often, I have heard people say, "I just want to know what they want." I usually respond candidly, "Sometimes they do not know what they want for themselves...how can they possibly know what they want from you?" If you fit in this category, I would beg of you to just sit down for a moment. Stay away from the good people who only desire to fall in love. Because what you are doing is destructive and cruel. If you cannot state what your expectations are when you are involved with someone, then you need to leave them alone. If you know you only want to be friends with someone, then do not get involved with someone who wants a committed relationship. If you know that you just want to bang someone or have a good time, then do not chase after someone who is looking for their soulmate. We are hurting each other. Destroying each other's hearts and souls. And then we wonder why we are in our state of digression. We are too busy trying to "find out" what we want through other people instead of investing more time with ourselves. We would rather avoid those uncomfortable moments of truth by falling in a bed of lies and deicet.

We are over here trying to have "soul" searches. But we forget that there is another PERSON involved. It's not just about you and your feelings. You are dealing with another human being, who already has a tattered soul. Why place anymore hurt on them? How much disappointment and hurt can one person endure throughout their life? Everyone keeps telling you that "all these experiences make you a stronger person." I know, because I say it to people all the time. They usually accept this response because of its validity. Yet I ask the question they may want to ask but never do: "When do you stop learning and start loving?" or "Well, how much more do I have to learn?" But I am glad they do not ask me that burning question, because I would not know how to anwser that either.

I am not saying this because something happened to me. I am simply placing a concern of mine on the table. We are so busy trying to look out for us, we fuck up other people's lives, hearts, and souls. It's simply not fair. I realize that life isn't fair, but at a certain point, we need to start taking some responsibility for our own behavior. Even if it's as simple as letting people know our intentions before we get involved. That's a step. I am not saying that everyone needs to be in a relationship. I realize people out there just want to bone or have "friends with benefits". But understand that you are in that space. And if you decide to get involved with someone, let them know that space you occupy. I am saying that you need to know what you want first before getting involved with someone else. It's so simple. Ironically, people do not do it. All I am saying is: check yourself first. Because if you don't, you will more than likely end up hurting someone else who didn't deserve it.

In other words, leave the good people alone! Let them go through life without meeting you and your disfunctional self. I am pretty sure they would rather enjoy themselves alone than be bothered with your destructiveness. If you are bored or lonley, then take up a hobby, buy a dog, volunteer somewhere, or buy a "toy". But do not suck other people into your hole of doom. That way you don't end up hurting a genuine person, who only wants to love and be loved in return. I just hate seeing great people hurt. I am sick and tired of the way we are dating each other. When our parents dated back in the day, I highly doubt it was as horrible as it is now. (Perhaps it's because they did not have all the technology that we have now. With our BBM's, text messaging, Facebooking, Yahooing, IMing, etc. God forbid, they actually had to TALK. But I digreess...)We walk around destroying each other...without even knowing it. And that is the sad part in all of it. Somehow we end up walking around with someone else's "stuff"...and we don't even know what to do with it.

We need to do better. We need to stop hurting each other in order to heal ourselves. We need to start being honest with ourselves about what we want and who we want. Instead of beating around the bush, be honest with other people. If you have no intention of something happening with that person, then leave them alone. Leave room for the right man/woman to come into their lives. Perhaps this will allow them to openly embrace new situations instead of fearing them. Honesty with ourselves and honesty with others is the key to our salvation. The dating process is grueling and frustrating on it's own without insensitive people getting involved. So if you are out there, not knowing why the hell you keep hurting other people, why don't you take a look in the mirror? Then, quietly remove yourself from the situation(s) immediately. If you are a good person, who only wants love, then you will get what you deserve and then some. I can't say when or how, but I have faith that it will happen to you. And everyone who hurt you will just sit in envy as you sit in relationship bliss. But for now, as hard as it may be, try to keep your head up. Continue to live your life as if those individuals never entered into your life. Don't take it out on the next person. Continue to love hard, live freely, and remain honest with yourself as well as others.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. :)

Tribute to Motherhood...

She represents the pillar of strength
An icon of womanhood.
One look at her and you can witness her nuturing spirit
Without her saying a single word.

She was tough on you.
Because she knew the world you were entering.
She always reminded you by word and deed
The dangers you would encounter.

"Always remember who you are",
she would often say.
While her words were stern, they seeped with guidance.
For her wisdom trumps everything that the world may tell you.
She was always proud of me when I remained true to myself.

"I just want you to do the best you can"
She would remind me.
I worked hard for everything,
Even if I did not recieve all the rewards.
Because I was motivated by her encouragement.

She birthed us physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
For remaining in our lives, she has become a symbol of the impossible.
A human being who could contain all that love
And share it so easily and freely.

You may hear her snipe and complain
Or, you may disappoint her with your words or actions.
Yet, she does not continue to stop loving you.
For she knows that you must learn through your tribulations.
But she's always there with open arms.

This woman and I have grown close.
Because we did not always get along.
In fact, she was my disciplinary.
But, throughout my life, I realize what she had to do
To trying and mold a strong, black woman.

She did not want me going through life
Suffering, Struggling, Stagnant.
She wanted me to excel
Because she visualized it the day she concieved me.
So for as long as I could remember, she constantly challenged me with love.

She is my best friend.
The closest representation of God's love, power, and mercy.
Just like God she teaches and guides me.
Like my Savior, she exudes unconditional understanding and love.

This is a tribute to my mother.
For she is a great mother, when she does not have to be.
She is great friend, when she could've remained distant.
She stood beside her children everyday of her life.

I only pray that one day
My children will look upon me
The same way I look at her today.

A Tribute to Mom.
I love you.