From week, month, and year....still nothing...

I've always seemed to be a spectator or commentator on this show premiering my life. However, the characters around me appear to be having more of a script than I am. On this show, I simply interact with these people, adding in my commentary when necessary. They play off these dramatic roles full of love, hate, and excitment. Yet I sit on the sidelines ready to play in the game. The show premiere's my life. But unfortunately, nothing is happening to me.

It seems as though the past few years have been repeats of each other. I do not know if I have seen a major change take place in the past few years. I have seen people fall in love, marry, start new careers, move to a new location, or have children. Yet, I remain in the same place I was a few years ago. It is almost as if I am waiting for my life to change. For something to alter and jump start my life.

I realize that everything has a season and a purpose. But I feel as though I have been in this season for so long, I can write the script for my life. Also, I realize that everything is as it should be. Yet as the weeks, months, and years go by, I can't help but wonder whether my season will actually start. When will I walk into my new season? When will the day come when I can actually play in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines?

This year was similar to last year, and last year mirrored the year before. My birthday's are the same, the holidays continue to have the same events, and New Years is just a reflection of the same thing that happened the year before. I have been doing the same thing on Valentines day, St. Patrick's Day, and July 4th each year for the past three years! Nothing has changed.

While I am certainly thankful for the lack of drama in my life, I am starting to wonder whether I am really living or simply going through the motions. I do not have any expectations, hopes, or dreams anymore. My daydreams do not even exist anymore. My hopes have been muffled to a soft murmur. My expectations are on life support. After all, the same thing happens day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. Nothing surprises me anymore.

It seems as though life is happening around me instead of to me. I start to wonder whether my only purpose on this earth is to be a voice of reason for others. Perhaps I'm only meant to be that person in the sidelines motivating the players on the field. Maybe I am only here to perk up others, to fill them with positive energy so at the end of the day, I am simply trying to recharge myself from all the negative energy flooding my soul. In other words, my life isn't just in search of my happiness, but ensuring that everyone else recieves what they need while I remain empty. Then I find myself bicariously living through others or becoming excited when small changes occur in my life. If something does happen to me, then it's usually something that has happened to me before. Again, nothing new.

But I always smile to others. I try to remain positive and give people what I can, even if it's only a quarter of a cup of love. Since I am always the one people come to with their good news, I smile and share in their blessing. When people come to me for advice, I try to give them the best advice that I can. At times I want to share good news, but I have nothing to share. When people ask me what is new with me, they already know the anwser. I hate when people do that. It almost causes me to say something sarcastic and crass. However, I tame my heart and lips.

I wonder whether this is all my life is going to be year after year. Perhaps I should start accepting the invitable. Is my life going to only consist of school and work? Will witnessing my family and friends enjoy life be the only satisfaction I recieve? I need something else to provide me with joy. While my schoolwork is satisfying academically and intellectually, it does not feed my soul. My books do not keep me warm at night. While I plan to leave a legacy in my teaching and writing, is that the only thing that will keep my memory living from generation to generation?

My grandmother passed a few weeks ago. She lived a life that others want to mirror. While she is a part of my lineage, I sometimes wonder whether she would be proud of what I have done. I know she was proud of me for staying in school, but I wonder whether that's the only thing anyone would be proud of me for. Her life, her wisdom, her love will always carry on for generations to come. I have no doubt about that. I look at her life and wonder whether one day I'll be blessed enough to have the kind of family she had.

I am tired of these small, short moments of life. I am sick and tired of daydreaming most of my life instead of having those dreams come true. I'm tired of seeing a month go by, with anything positive or exciting to share. I'm frustrated with each week looking the same. One day, I want to recieve some of those prayer requests instead of simply praying for them. I hate telling myself, "It's not my time," or "Maybe one day."

I'm waiting for my life to jump start again....