Has My Life Started?

For the past few weeks I have realized something that sometimes scares me to say outloud because I am afraid I will recieve those, "Don't feel like that" messages from those "oh-so-happy" people. I thought it was because I missed a particular person(s). I figured I was going through some sort of withdraw or something, like an addict feening for their next high. I know the single life is so glamorous and everything, but sometimes you can not help but wonder whether this is going to be your entire life. I lay in bed at night and wonder whether I will always be laying in the bed alone. I drive out of town, wondering whether I will always travel alone. I complete various projects in my life, but wonder whether I will always be alone in those projects. I wonder whether moments will ultimately be shared with other people other than myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. God has blessed me with so much in my life. So, this is not a sign of being ungrateful for all the blessings I recieved, whether big or small. I acknowledge them all. However, there are moments were you wonder what your life is going to be all about. You wonder what exactly God is preparing you for or whether you will remain in the same spot you were in a year ago. I feel like I have not went forwards or backwards, just stagnant. I wonder whether I will always be this driven student, filling my days with scholarship while my nights are filled with nothing but the noise of the television or my Ipod playlist.

Sometimes I just wonder what will become of my life. I ponder whether my faith is merely a false pretence that something MIGHT happen in my lifetime. Am I fooling myself to think that one day something will be different? Or do I simply need to get used to loving my own company? I have so much advice to share, but no tangible results of that advice. It is almost as if I am better with others situations than my own. Or perhaps I am bound to be "that friend" you can always go to for advice. Or that single friend that you KNOW you can rely on for companionship with others have turned their backs on you. Yet, when it becomes your time, they leave you in the dust only with the nonchalant "you'll be alright" advice.

From college to now, I just feel like I have not improved in any other aspect in my life other than school. Even then, I will remain in the same spot for years. God has shown me that he or she can work in my life. Jobs have been presented to me and living situations have improved. However, sometimes I feel like I have not really moved spirtually or emotionally. While it may appear that I am moving forward on the outside, have I really move forward? Or is all this simply a coverup? Am I the same girl today that I was when I was in undergrad? Or high school? I wonder whether I am that same girl, whose life hasn't really begun.

I'm not expecting a response, I am just throwing this random question out there in the cosmos. I need something to change in my life spiritually and emotionally. Sometimes I feel empty in that department, though others claim that I am full of life. Ironically there are times where I feel dead inside, but I throw on my smile to others. People would be surprised to see what is behind this mask. It is not always smiles and faith-based responses. Sometimes I feel lonley, lost, confused, and frustrated wondering when my life is going to start. Though it seems like I have experienced so much, I really have not.

Right now, I am really ready for my life to start....