Fear is the diagnosis....complacency is the drug...

We are all afraid of something. Let's just get that out the way. We spend our whole lives fearing something, whether it is a career choice, a business venture, or a relationship. Regardless of what the situation is, we are afraid. We walk in fear throughout our entire lives. In fact, we would rather walk in fear than take a risk. What a shame.

I can't say that I am not guilty of this because I am. We all are. Think about it for a moment. There is something in your life that you want to change, but are paralyzed by fear. There are a lot of factors that we can touch on that explain this fear that we have. It could be a childhood experience or a situation we witnessed in our adult lives. Whatever the reason is, it stifles our growth hindering us from reaching our full potential.

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend of mine. For so many years we have called each other brother and sister. In a sense, we are probably closer to each other than we are with our own families. Anyway, the other day he was explaining a situation he was having with a woman. Then he starts to wonder what is wrong with him. He questions why he can never keep a woman in his life. He explains his struggle with women and their reaction towards him. Usually I can answer his questions and give him adequate enough advice. But for the first time since I have known him, I honestly could not answer his questions. He was asking the same questions I was struggling with. I explained to him that the only thing he could do was continue to be himself. Yet, we both are struggling with this idea of love, relationships, and self identity. We are both frustrated with dealing with the same thing in a different body. I think we are both waiting for something in our lives to change. To break away from the normal routine. We are waiting for something to surprise us.

As the conversation went on, we realized how people that we deal with are so afraid. They are terrified to take risks with us. Obviously we are not your average man and woman. However, we deal with people who are terrified of our uniqueness. While they want to get to know us, they are afraid to take it to that next level. So, we find ourselves with these terrified individuals that we have to let go of constantly because they are walking in a life of fear. Even in the most extreme situations, there is still a need to run back to complacency even if they that we deserve one another.

Everything we do, we do out of fear. Unfortunately, we are a reactive people. Based on our environment, we react. I am starting to understand how that is not necessarily a good thing. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to think that is the worst thing we can do to ourselves because we are only reacting out of fear. So, instead of taking a risk or being proactive, we go to this place called complacency. In this location, we are comfortable. We fall back to what is familiar, even if it is destructive. Before we realize it, our fear draws us to this place of complacency. For example, you are afraid to go back to get your Master's degree even if it will help you advance on your job. Because you are afraid of the unknown, you remain in that same position on your job KNOWING you are destined for something better. So you make up some bullshit excuse such as, "I don't have the money to go back to school." Here's another great example: you met someone. She or he is a wonderful person, you love everything about them. You think they are wife/husband material. But you are afraid of investing time because you have been hurt before. So you make up some junk about, "Well, it's just not the right time," leaving them wondering what happened.

I could go on and on with examples, but it would still have the same diagnosis: FEAR. The problem comes when our drug of choice is complacency. Of course, that drug will be wonderful at first. It will cure the fear in a blink of an eye without any problem. Yet, after a while, the drug does not have the effect it once had. With any drug, you can become easily addicted to it but it has harmful side effects. For example, because you took the drug of complacency, you may never truly be happy, reach your full potential, or truly love someone else. Then you find yourself searching for that next high. Usually that fix comes from a place you have no business being into. You may find yourself taking mistresses or sleeping with various men to feel a touch from someone. Before you know it, you are drinking alcohol more than water. Sooner or later, you find yourself being manipulative on your job to ensure that your job remains secure. Some of us simply shut down, being unable to feel any sort of emotion or drive. That is the worst side effect you could possibly have...

However, we'd rather dwell in that place of complacency, even with the side effects, than actually taking a risk with our lives. I have been told that I remain safe or that I do not take risks. Perhaps they are right. I know I live in complacency from time to time, stifled by fear. I have taken some risks. Some have left me disappointed while others have fulfilled my full potential. I am not saying that we will not go to that place of complacency. But do not dwell there. Recognize that you are taking this drug of complacency. Perhaps then, we can take our soul to rehab and start living.

At Night...

There is something about evenings...
That reminds you of what you have
and what you do not have
and what you desire.

There is something about the nights
that causes my mind to waunder
and makes you yearn something
that is not there.

During the day,
I keep my schedule busy
full of work duties and meetings
coupled with dinners with girlfriends

Yet, I still come home
to the quiet solitude of my bed
the silence of my room
with only the TV to keep me company.

I do not know what it is about the nights
but I do hate them.
Not because I am afraid of the dark
But it is the mere solitude.
The feeling of lonlieness.

I thank God for the morning.
When the sun shines and my busy day begins.
If only the days could stay longer
So the nights do not come
Greeting me like an enemy
to remind me
of my solitude...

Has My Life Started?

For the past few weeks I have realized something that sometimes scares me to say outloud because I am afraid I will recieve those, "Don't feel like that" messages from those "oh-so-happy" people. I thought it was because I missed a particular person(s). I figured I was going through some sort of withdraw or something, like an addict feening for their next high. I know the single life is so glamorous and everything, but sometimes you can not help but wonder whether this is going to be your entire life. I lay in bed at night and wonder whether I will always be laying in the bed alone. I drive out of town, wondering whether I will always travel alone. I complete various projects in my life, but wonder whether I will always be alone in those projects. I wonder whether moments will ultimately be shared with other people other than myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. God has blessed me with so much in my life. So, this is not a sign of being ungrateful for all the blessings I recieved, whether big or small. I acknowledge them all. However, there are moments were you wonder what your life is going to be all about. You wonder what exactly God is preparing you for or whether you will remain in the same spot you were in a year ago. I feel like I have not went forwards or backwards, just stagnant. I wonder whether I will always be this driven student, filling my days with scholarship while my nights are filled with nothing but the noise of the television or my Ipod playlist.

Sometimes I just wonder what will become of my life. I ponder whether my faith is merely a false pretence that something MIGHT happen in my lifetime. Am I fooling myself to think that one day something will be different? Or do I simply need to get used to loving my own company? I have so much advice to share, but no tangible results of that advice. It is almost as if I am better with others situations than my own. Or perhaps I am bound to be "that friend" you can always go to for advice. Or that single friend that you KNOW you can rely on for companionship with others have turned their backs on you. Yet, when it becomes your time, they leave you in the dust only with the nonchalant "you'll be alright" advice.

From college to now, I just feel like I have not improved in any other aspect in my life other than school. Even then, I will remain in the same spot for years. God has shown me that he or she can work in my life. Jobs have been presented to me and living situations have improved. However, sometimes I feel like I have not really moved spirtually or emotionally. While it may appear that I am moving forward on the outside, have I really move forward? Or is all this simply a coverup? Am I the same girl today that I was when I was in undergrad? Or high school? I wonder whether I am that same girl, whose life hasn't really begun.

I'm not expecting a response, I am just throwing this random question out there in the cosmos. I need something to change in my life spiritually and emotionally. Sometimes I feel empty in that department, though others claim that I am full of life. Ironically there are times where I feel dead inside, but I throw on my smile to others. People would be surprised to see what is behind this mask. It is not always smiles and faith-based responses. Sometimes I feel lonley, lost, confused, and frustrated wondering when my life is going to start. Though it seems like I have experienced so much, I really have not.

Right now, I am really ready for my life to start....