The consequences of becoming "that girl"...

I have to be real for a moment. After I removed all the layers of bull, I realized that I became "that girl". My women understand how much we do not want to be "that girl". You know, that woman that does everything you despise and does things that are questionable to you. You don't want to become that needy, lying, manipulative, crazy woman that you have heard so much about. Yet somehow, we all become "that girl", no matter how hard we try not to be. Before you know it, you are wondering, "How did this happen?"

Anyway, I found that I became "that girl". While it is completely terrifying to me, I am glad I was able to recognize it before it got worse. In a moment, I realized that I became that person that lied in order to keep someone in their lives. Shocking, I know. Usually I pride myself on my sweet yet blunt honesty. However, I did lie. In my defense, I did not lie intentionally. Quite frankly, when I made my comment to this person, I thought I was speaking the truth. Little did I know that I was not only lying to that person, but to myself. Slowly, I started to understand that I was becoming "that girl" that is not honest with herself or other people. It's amazing how easily we can be in those situations. Then, in a blink of an eye, we are exactly where we do not want to be.

So, in reality, I didn't lie to be trifling or manipulative. I honestly did not know the truth about my feelings until recently. When you look in the mirror, you cannot avoid the truth that's staring you in the face. I suppose I had one of those moments this week. I looked in the mirror and saw Jayme for who she really is. For a moment, I had to remove all the layers of bullshit that so easily cloud my truth. Once I removed the foggy glasses, I was able to see more clearly.

Well, I told someone ( well, practically everyone) how I was not ready for a relationship. I suppose it was easier for me to deal with the fact that I was not in a relationship because I simply "wasn't ready". Once I told myself that, I suppose it was easier for me to digest. After all, I was not in relationship because I didn't want to be. In a sense, I was trying to reclaim the little power I had over my life by stating how I was "not ready right now". I'm so quick to hide behind my feminist principals so no one would question how I feel. Most importantly, I believe I claimed this lie because it lowers the sting of loneliness. At this point, I cannot deny it anymore. I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not. Before I knew it, I was starting to become "that girl" who pretends to be something she's not.

Furthermore, I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting that in my life. The reason I told myself that I "wasn't ready" was simply because I did not want to become that "needy girl". However, wanting a committed companionship in your life does not equate to neediness. After all, at the end of the day, we all want to be loved. I thought that if I admitted that I was ready for a relationship, then I would appear to be trying too hard to be with someone. That is simply not the case. The desire to be love and have that love reciprocated does not mean I will cling to every man that walks into my life. Also, it does not mean that I have low self esteem. Actually it's quite the opposite. I know I am an amazing woman that DESERVES to be in a loving, committed relationship. Now I am at the point where I am not ashamed to admit what I want.

Another sad reality is that I lied to keep someone in my life in an effort to change his mind. I had to be smoking crack to think that this idea could work. I tell people all the time that expectations usually do not change. Nine times out of ten, the person you meet will be that same person throughout the course of your entire friendship/relationship/marriage. Yet I failed to look in the mirror and heed to my own advice. So, I said something that I barley believed just to keep someone in my life. I know it's pathetic, but that's why I am making my confession right now. And yes, once again, I became "that girl". It makes me shiver just thinking about it.

I am so used to removing the "masks" of other people, without really recognizing mine. I see the mask I wear now. It is suffocating me to the point where I have to be honest with myself in order to live. I want to tell that person that I am sorry that I said something that was not the truth. I cannot take back my comment, but I can try to fix the damage. I realize that I may loose that person as a companion, but I cannot continue to be something I am not. I stand before you as pure and honest as I can possibly be. You can either embrace it or let me go. Either way, I cannot continue to hide from my feelings anymore.

I know this person is not ready for what I am ready for. Because he is a gentleman, he may decide to bow out gracefully. If he does, then I respect that. I am not going to force or manipulate someone to be with me if they are not ready for that kind of commitment. I won't even try to waste my time anymore. I want that person to be happy, on his terms. He has so much life he wants to live as a single man. And I want him to enjoy himself without any obligations. Of course we are going to be a part of each others lives, but our expectations are very different now. I should have been honest with my feelings from the beginning. Unfortunately, I was acting like "that girl" that I despise. While this is not an excuse for my lapse in judgement, it is the truth.

Now, I have removed the mask of foolishness and misconception so I can reclaim my power back. After all, the first step towards recovering your power is being honest with yourself. Even if I have to continue to walk this road alone, I do not mind. Because I was honest with myself and others, I can be free from the bondage of the mask. So yes, listen to me when I say that I AM ready to settle down and be in a committed relationship. You can either take it or leave it. But, I refuse become "that girl" again.