Ode to Feminism

"Do you consider yourself a feminist?"

Typically, I shy away from this question. On one hand, I do not want to be accused of being a man-hating lesbian. Often when people ask you this question, they already have preconcieved notions of what the term "feminist" means. Let me tell you exactly what they see in their minds when they think of feminists: ugly, hairy, aggressive, angry, politically liberal, tree-hugging, vegan-eating lesbians. I have no idea where this image came from, but somehow it became embedded into the psyche of several people. Including individuals I have a lot of contact with.

So, usually when this question arises through the course of a conversation, I tend to change the subject. Or I give the typical, safe anwser, "You know what, I do not know." But I realized that this anwser is actually false. I know it is false from the moment I say it. I started to wonder, why are we so ashamed of this dreaded F'word? Even though we do not call it feminism, aren't our ideologies and principals considered "feminism"?

Today I was at the book store. I wanted to get out of the house for a little bit and read some articles for my thesis. Well, I picked up this book, "Full Frontal Feminism". At first the title caught me off guard. I was so in the closet about my feminism that I was actually afraid to pick up the book in front of everyone. Yet, I took my chances and hid it with the rest of the books I picked up.

Once I sat down and started reading the book, I was hooked. The author was so raw, candid, and intelligent that I almost read the whole book right there in the store. She mentioned some very interesting things that are worth pointing out to those who are afraid to pick up and open a book that had the F'word on the cover. First, she mentioned how liberating it was once she realized she was a feminist. I know what you are thinking, "How the heck can you equate liberation with feminism?" Using her line of logic, you could easily do it. It had nothing to do with burning bras (which is actually a myth..never happened.), not shaving, being a lesbian, wanting to be a man, or crazy white women with nothing to do. She defined it simply as wanting justice and equality for women, which I totally agree with. Also, she claims it is liberating because feminism allows you to totally disregard the negative stereotypes of womenhood or beauty. Again, I was totally with her on that.

Feminism, or the dreaded F'bomb, isn't something that we should be ashamed of. Do not get it twisted, I am looking the mirror when I say it too. Black women do not want to be labeled as such because they do not want to "emasculate black men". How in the world are you emasculating THEM? As long as they have a penis with some balls to keep them company, they will not be emasculated. Additionally, why is our status contigent upon how men feel? Why can't we have something that speaks for us that has nothing to do with them? Do not get me wrong, I love my men very much. However, I also think that we need to stop thinking of them before we think of ourselves. Why do you think we are in the mess we are in in the first place? We are too busy trying to take up the battles of them AND us. While they are struggling with the fight against racism, we are battling the two evils of race and sex, not to mention class. So if I'm guilty of emasculating my brothers, I do apologize. But I will still consider myself a feminist.

God forbid, if a black women were to say she a feminist, she would be charged with demolishing the black family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not think feminism has broken up the black family. First of all, brothers and sisters do not know how to really communicate with one another. Coupled with the fact that we are quick to have sexual relations before we have any commitment to one another. Then we have to consider that we have less positive images of the Black family ( other than the Cosby show). Of course, then we have to add the economic difficulities within our community that makes it difficult to sustain a family. Oh yeah, and that pesky racism and sexim in our society that pins black men and black women against one another. THEN, the fact that we are upholding European ideals over African ones. Oh yeah, then the fact that our boys are being raised by women instead of men. I could go on and on. But, feminism has nothing to do with it. But, like this author mentions in this book, feminism is blamed for everything from global warming to terriorism. But honestly, a little bit a feminism in our families could go a long way.

Or, we think feminism is the "white woman's" thing. I beg to differ. I would argue that black women are the orginal feminists. All our historical figures upheld feminist principals, even without being labled as such. Of course, they were fighting for racial equality as well, but they were also fighting against sexism. Let us not get it twisted, the white women got on OUR bandwagon, we did not get on theirs. They simply put a name to a principal we were already upholding through our actions. From the moment we started fighting against slavery, Jim Crow laws, lynchings, and unequal education proves my point: black women have always been feminists. What makes us unique is the fact that we have to battle racism and class as well. But yes my sistahs, we were feminists too.

The point is: we shouldn't be afraid of something we already believe in. Be honest with yourself. You embrace the ideologies of feminsim, even if you don't say you are a feminist. But I want to let you know that it's alright. You can be beautiful, feminine, intelligent, caring, and thoughtful all while being a feminist. I propose that we alter the definition of "feminism" as a liberating experience instead of a confining one. Feminism looks completely different on me than it would on you. But nonetheless, it's an amazing label to have.

It does not mean I am a lesbian, ugly, aggressive, or hairy. Quite frankly, I am a beautiful, sexy heterosexual, nonconfrentational woman who simply believes women should recieve the justice they deserve. It doesn't mean I'm a bitch, even if you want to call me that. But if it means that women are the center of my political and social analysis, then I am. If it means that I hate the fact that 1 out of 4 women are raped or molested in their lifetimes, then I suppose I am. If it means that I do not agree with a bunch of old white men in Congress deciding on what I should do with my body, then I suppose I am. If it means that my heart jumps for joy when I see women succeed in a patriarchal society, then you can label me as such. If it means that I admire those who choose to explore their sexuality within their gender, then I will accept that I am a feminist. If it means that I love to see women redefining their beauty regardless of the negative stereotypes placed in our media, then I guess I'll be that annoying feminist. If it means that I believe studying women will open the door to studying humanity, then I'll carry the F'bomb. If being a feminist means that I love being a woman, then I will embrace that.

I'm tired of saying and hearing, "I'm not a feminist but..." It's about time I allow my true colors to shine, because it is nothing to be ashamed of. As I've stated before, sometimes you need to just call a spade a spade. As a matter of fact, I consider it liberating as well. So embrace the feminist in you. It's alright. Then you too can be liberated.

Two thoughts...

Thought Number 1:

I am glad that I finally have a complete and clear focus on my thesis. It's a great feeling! I cannot wait to start on this remarkable project that no one can take away from me. For the first time in a long time, I will be able to hear the stories of my elders. This will be a great piece of research! I cannot wait. It will also allow me to document my grandmother and great grandmother's stories. Now I can REALLY get to work. :)

Thought Number 2:
I sure do miss him..A lot...the "Good morning" texts, the check-ins, the nicknames, the sweet kisses, the tight hugs, the laughs....A part of me wants to share my excitment with him, but I don't know if I can...I suppose the cliche is right: Success isn't success without someone to share it with. Guess a part of me is learning that now... I guess he "wasn't that into me"....That sure does suck.

It's amazing how it's only two small thoughts...but it's enough to keep you staring at the ceiling at night while you smile through your tears...

Then, when you finally fall asleep, you dream of it all...

Suddenly you wake up, and you realize you are in the beginning...and he disappears...

Now I am back to reality, with the same two thoughts....

The consequences of becoming "that girl"...

I have to be real for a moment. After I removed all the layers of bull, I realized that I became "that girl". My women understand how much we do not want to be "that girl". You know, that woman that does everything you despise and does things that are questionable to you. You don't want to become that needy, lying, manipulative, crazy woman that you have heard so much about. Yet somehow, we all become "that girl", no matter how hard we try not to be. Before you know it, you are wondering, "How did this happen?"

Anyway, I found that I became "that girl". While it is completely terrifying to me, I am glad I was able to recognize it before it got worse. In a moment, I realized that I became that person that lied in order to keep someone in their lives. Shocking, I know. Usually I pride myself on my sweet yet blunt honesty. However, I did lie. In my defense, I did not lie intentionally. Quite frankly, when I made my comment to this person, I thought I was speaking the truth. Little did I know that I was not only lying to that person, but to myself. Slowly, I started to understand that I was becoming "that girl" that is not honest with herself or other people. It's amazing how easily we can be in those situations. Then, in a blink of an eye, we are exactly where we do not want to be.

So, in reality, I didn't lie to be trifling or manipulative. I honestly did not know the truth about my feelings until recently. When you look in the mirror, you cannot avoid the truth that's staring you in the face. I suppose I had one of those moments this week. I looked in the mirror and saw Jayme for who she really is. For a moment, I had to remove all the layers of bullshit that so easily cloud my truth. Once I removed the foggy glasses, I was able to see more clearly.

Well, I told someone ( well, practically everyone) how I was not ready for a relationship. I suppose it was easier for me to deal with the fact that I was not in a relationship because I simply "wasn't ready". Once I told myself that, I suppose it was easier for me to digest. After all, I was not in relationship because I didn't want to be. In a sense, I was trying to reclaim the little power I had over my life by stating how I was "not ready right now". I'm so quick to hide behind my feminist principals so no one would question how I feel. Most importantly, I believe I claimed this lie because it lowers the sting of loneliness. At this point, I cannot deny it anymore. I cannot pretend to be someone that I'm not. Before I knew it, I was starting to become "that girl" who pretends to be something she's not.

Furthermore, I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting that in my life. The reason I told myself that I "wasn't ready" was simply because I did not want to become that "needy girl". However, wanting a committed companionship in your life does not equate to neediness. After all, at the end of the day, we all want to be loved. I thought that if I admitted that I was ready for a relationship, then I would appear to be trying too hard to be with someone. That is simply not the case. The desire to be love and have that love reciprocated does not mean I will cling to every man that walks into my life. Also, it does not mean that I have low self esteem. Actually it's quite the opposite. I know I am an amazing woman that DESERVES to be in a loving, committed relationship. Now I am at the point where I am not ashamed to admit what I want.

Another sad reality is that I lied to keep someone in my life in an effort to change his mind. I had to be smoking crack to think that this idea could work. I tell people all the time that expectations usually do not change. Nine times out of ten, the person you meet will be that same person throughout the course of your entire friendship/relationship/marriage. Yet I failed to look in the mirror and heed to my own advice. So, I said something that I barley believed just to keep someone in my life. I know it's pathetic, but that's why I am making my confession right now. And yes, once again, I became "that girl". It makes me shiver just thinking about it.

I am so used to removing the "masks" of other people, without really recognizing mine. I see the mask I wear now. It is suffocating me to the point where I have to be honest with myself in order to live. I want to tell that person that I am sorry that I said something that was not the truth. I cannot take back my comment, but I can try to fix the damage. I realize that I may loose that person as a companion, but I cannot continue to be something I am not. I stand before you as pure and honest as I can possibly be. You can either embrace it or let me go. Either way, I cannot continue to hide from my feelings anymore.

I know this person is not ready for what I am ready for. Because he is a gentleman, he may decide to bow out gracefully. If he does, then I respect that. I am not going to force or manipulate someone to be with me if they are not ready for that kind of commitment. I won't even try to waste my time anymore. I want that person to be happy, on his terms. He has so much life he wants to live as a single man. And I want him to enjoy himself without any obligations. Of course we are going to be a part of each others lives, but our expectations are very different now. I should have been honest with my feelings from the beginning. Unfortunately, I was acting like "that girl" that I despise. While this is not an excuse for my lapse in judgement, it is the truth.

Now, I have removed the mask of foolishness and misconception so I can reclaim my power back. After all, the first step towards recovering your power is being honest with yourself. Even if I have to continue to walk this road alone, I do not mind. Because I was honest with myself and others, I can be free from the bondage of the mask. So yes, listen to me when I say that I AM ready to settle down and be in a committed relationship. You can either take it or leave it. But, I refuse become "that girl" again.

I Deserve...

I never had someone write me a love letter,
Nor have I ever had anyone give me candy on Valentines Day.

That doesn't mean I don't deserve it.

It has been years since I have received roses "Just Because",
Or have someone whisper sweetly, "I love you so much".

But I still deserve that kind of treatment.

I have never met friends or family,
Always remained that "secret girl" no one knows about.

Yet, if they met me, they would ask to see me again.

I can't remember the last time I slow danced,
In the middle of the room.

That doesn't mean I don't deserve to be held close.

I have never had anyone make me a CD of all my favorite songs.
Actually, I always make that for them.

That doesn't mean there isn't a special CD mix for me.

I have never received a dedication on Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter.
Not even a mention of my presence.

That doesn't mean my name shouldn't be plastered all over your page.

It has been ages since someone has kissed me,
From the crown of my head to the soles of my feet.

That doesn't mean my body shouldn't be worshipped.

Come to think of it, I never had anyone rub me down after a long day,
Not a shoulder, a foot, or a section of my back.

Doesn't mean that I don't deserve to have a masseuse on call.

No one has stayed in my life anymore than a season,
Popping in and out of my life.

That doesn't mean I don't deserve someone to continuously love me.

Sometimes we get it twisted ladies,
We assume that we do not deserve things,
Simply because we never had it.

Because we have been treated so negatively,
Over and Over again,
We allow those experiences to determine our worth.

If he didn't treat you right,
Then it's a shame he was too blind to see,
The diamond in front of him.

Look in the mirror
At the magnificent person staring back at you

She's beautiful
Poised
Sexy
Gorgeous
Intelligent
And one of a kind..

I know the kind of woman I am,
And how God has molded me into a masterpiece.
Someone would be lucky as hell
To have me in their lives.

I know I deserve
Nothing short of the BEST...