There's Always That ONE..

I have always considered myself a logical person. Typically, I'm able to control my emotions and hide my fears. I'm an emotional warrior, ready to save the day. That's what I pride myself on. 

Of course, there's always that ONE person that brings you back to your raw element. That one individual who brings you out of your comfort zone and drives your emotions wild. And just when you think you are over the person, here they come with a smile to make you realize that you cannot possibly be over them if they have an effect over you. 

The other night, I went to his hotel room to see him while he was in town for a conference. Now mind you, I have not seen this person in some time. I thought I was safe. I soon realized that I wasn't. Once I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, I felt my heart beat rapidly. I had no idea where that came from. After all, I thought I was over him. When I walked up to the room, my heart beat went a little faster. I don't even think I remembered the lady at the desk. I walked up the the room and knocked. By this time, I felt as thought I was going to pass out from anticipation. It seemed to take him forever to come to the door. When he opened the door, I felt a surge that I have not felt in a while. A fire ignited within me. It quickly died down once we started talking. It was like talking to an old friend, which was great. The fire never really went away though. It was like a smokey haze within me. But of course, I had to play it cool. I could not allow him to know how badly I wanted him to just touch me, or look at me like he missed me.  

Of course, he was a perfect gentleman all night. And all I could do was sit and wonder what he was thinking. I sat there wondering what was going through his head. A part of me wanted to ask him. But, a part of me was afraid to. Either way, it made me realize that he's that one person that will always have an effect on me. I could be married with kids, but being in his presence will always give me butterflies. I have no idea why. Perhaps it's his southern gentleman nature. Maybe I love the way he's able to challenge my intellect. Or perhaps he just makes me feel like a lady. After all, he's not doctor. He has a brash sense of humor. Many times I find myself arguing with him. But, he still has an effect on me. I don't know what it is. But, he's that one person that will always make my heart flutter. 

Today, I was watching Smash (by the way, AWESOME show. I love musicals so much, this show is feeds my inner Broadway wanna-be actress..lol). One of the ladies on the show (played by my favorite red-head actresses Debra Messing) had a previous affair with one of the actors in their new show. Both of them dated at one time, and now they have separate lives and families. There are obvious feelings and chemistry between them. However, she tries to downplay it. She tries to push him away, even though she knows how she feels about him. I found myself in her character. On the other hand, the guy keeps coming around. He keeps smiling at her, comforting her, reminding her that he has feelings for her. Look at them, I saw me and this guy. We both moved on in some capacity. I dated guys after him and I'm sure he dated women after me. Of course I never ask. Come to think of it, he never asks either. Yet, when we come together, it's instant chemistry. On this particular episode, he started singing, "Song for You" followed by a passionate kiss. I thought to myself, "Oh man, I don't think I would've been able to contain myself if that were me." I saw us at that moment, giving into our passions instead of playing it safe. 

But there's always that person in our lives. You try to convince yourself that you are over them but once you are in your presence, your heart awakens from it's dormant place. It honestly angers me. The moment I think I'm over him and ready to move on, he comes into my life like a thief in the night. I don't know whether he will stay in my life or not. Quite frankly, I do not want to know at this point because it will take away from that moment. History has shown that this relationship may not progress past this point. Yet I cannot deny the affect he has upon me. As I say, I cannot "front the funk". We all can't. Let's stop pretending that there is not that ONE person that will send us back into that emotional place, where our feelings flutter. That ONE individual that makes you throw all logic out the door. For me, it's this guy that, for some reason, awakens my heart. 

Aren’t we sisters? Aren’t you my brother?

My professor wanted us to write a piece in reaction to Sojourner Truth's speech "Ain't I a Woman" since we read her biography in class. If you have NOT read that piece, please do. It's amazing. Now scholars are saying that she did not write that piece. Regardless, the speech became the catalyst for black women's thought. Not just black feminist thought, black woman's thought in general. Anyway, here was my response to  what she wrote. Hope ya'll enjoy. ;) 


Here we are sisters and brothers, continuing this conversation about whom we are and where we need to go. It has been roughly 160 years since our ancestor Sojourner Truth reminded black women of our humanity. I wonder whether we ever figured it out yet. But, we congregate here, representing our different backgrounds and classifications. We pretend like we've made it simply because we don’t have to battle Jim and Jane Crow. But have we really made it? Do we really know who we are? My sisters, we come to this place with different skin hues, hair textures, and socioeconomic classifications. But aren't we still sisters? We criticize each other because she’s “so ghetto”, or “she’s so bougie”, or “she think she’s so cute because she’s light skinned.” But aren't we all sisters? We easily call each other bitch, whore, slut, and every other unpleasant term instead of calling each other friend. Aren't we still sisters? You think Sojourner would want to hear us demonizing each other based on our differences? At the end of the day, aren't we sisters? Whether we are dark skin, light skin, bronze skin, red bone with type 4B, 3D, or 2C hair, aren't we all sisters? Whether you are CEO of a fortune 500 company, a struggling college student, a single mother working two jobs, an attorney, public school teacher, or on the pole on Saturday night, aren't we all sisters? They say we have nothing in common because life has placed us in different circumstances. Yet, at the end of the day, aren't we all sisters cut from the same cloth of oppression? Don’t we all struggle with trying to be woman and black simultaneously? Don’t we ultimately speak a similar language? Aren't we all sisters?

And my brothers, we need you! You leave us in a bind because we are trying to take your place and your place within our homes. We have to pretend to be a superwoman, coming to the rescue. Suddenly, we cannot be free to be human or vulnerable because we are cleaning up everyone else’s mess. You guys are not where we need you to be. If you get some change to rub together, you think you made it and don’t need us. But aren’t you my brother? Aren’t I your sister? You preach community unity, but don’t challenge your brothers to help their sisters. Instead, we are beaten down physically and emotionally so you can feel more like a man. When you think I’m being too hard on you, it is because I know you are capable of excellence. I’m merely challenging you as your sister, not allowing you to get away with mediocrity or complacency.  That’s what sisters do for our brothers.  Yet, we walk around angry at each other. Brother, you call me a bitch, treat me like a whore, and talk about “hitting it” when we share our intimate space with you.  But, isn’t your mother a woman?  Aren’t we your sister? Sister, you call him a no good nigga, nagging him, removing his manhood along with his testacies, and not allowing him to step-up and handle his business because he doesn’t do it the way you want him to do it. But isn’t he your brother? I’m tired of us loving others before we love each other. Share love, but let’s first share love with each other as family, brother and sisters under one omnipotent God. Let’s stop pretending like we don’t need each other. Sisters, can we love each other, regardless of our differences? After all, no other race has the range of beauty like we do my sistahs. Embrace all of it. Brothers, can you love us like we love you? We should be each other’s priority. Black love should not be an anomaly, yet a normalcy. Let’s strengthen our bond. Let’s build better relationships with one another.

And in 2012, that’s all this bronze skin, nappy hair sistah-student has to say about that. 

Signed, 

Your sistah 

The Plight of the Single Woman

For the past few weeks, I've been in a funk. I just got out of it, but before this week, I was a little "eh".  I have no idea where the icky feelings came from, but for about 2 weeks, I was in an emotional slump I was desperately trying to get out of. Of course, I could blame it on the death of my grandfather, who passed away a few weeks ago. (RIP James Canty, Sr.) Maybe it was the amount of school work that was starting to pile up, causing me to be sleep deprived. Perhaps it was all the added advertising and hype over Single's Awareness Day. (I've always hated Valentines Day. Always have and I probably always will.) Maybe I just needed to have some fun for a little bit. Whatever it was, I was simply "in a way." And I could not explain to you why. 

Yet, in my distress, people thought that it was ONLY Valentine's Day that put me in such a funk. Not just ONE person, but SEVERAL people. While I told them that was not the case, I still had a sneaking suspicion that they did not believe me. Perhaps that's what all single women say? I'm not sure. However, people always have so many assumptions about single women. Our plight is the fact that we will always have a scarlet "S" written on our foreheads. So, of course, when a single woman is in a bad mood, it MUST be associated with her martial status. Yes, of course. (If you did not catch it, that was sarcasm.) 

Hence the plight of the single woman. We always are told what to do, how we should do it, and why we haven't done what we were told to do. Constantly people ask why someone "as beautiful and intelligent as you" is not attached? You are making a few assumptions by making this comment. First, you assume that this is MY fault. You didn't say it, but the inference is there. Second, the assumption is that I DID NOT CHOOSE this lifestyle. Third, one makes the assumption that being single is so dreadful that they cannot fathom the idea of someone like you being single. Well, let me clear up the air  for those of you out there who would not hesitate to ask this question. So, BEFORE you ask this question to a single woman, let me just school you a little bit:

1. Sometimes being single IS a choice. 

2. Being single is NOT a sin.

3. Ugly women are not the only single population out there. 

4. It's possible to be single AND happy. 

5. Single women HATE this question. 

And the single woman's plight continues. Just like there is ignorance associated with racism, sexism, and classism (all the "isms"), I believe there is just as much ignorance out there dealing with single women. What I find interesting is no one probes single men about these things. I suppose the assumption is that they are single by choice, not questions asked. However, the single women get questions as if their lifestyles are foreign. Yes, that's what I call a catch-22. Well, let me be the first one to inform you something single women may not want to say out loud: "WE ARE FINE". Yes, we are FINE. I promise you we are not crying every night watching "The Notebook." (Thought I do admit, that movie does bring out the closet hopeless romantic in me.) Also, we are not pillaging away trying to find someone. We live lives just like everyone else. We go to school, work, church, gym, dinner. We eat, sleep, and take out the garbage. Like I said, we are fine. 

I know what many of you are thinking, "fine doesn't mean happy." You would be absolutely right. However, in this case, fine IS happy. For me, I can say that being completely single is a sense of freedom. That's the part that other people do not understand. To be honest, when dating someone, I was always concerned about what I was going on in the relationship while neglecting some aspects of myself. I never COMPLETELY neglected myself. Oh, no. My mother taught me better then that. Yet, my thoughts revolved around issues within our relationship and less about what Jayme wanted for Jayme. I realize how relaxed I am in this free place. It is not a curse, but a gift that has been given to me. Now I'm realizing that a lot of things have suffered because I was too busy pleasing someone who was not sure  they even wanted to be with me. Yes, believe it or not. I get turned down too. And honestly, being indirectly told that you are not worthy enough for me to work to be in a real relationship with you does take a toll on your emotions. So sometimes the single status allows you the opportunity to heal your wounds. No ladies, do not do a Jasmine Sullivan and bust the windows in his car. Simply walk away gracefully and go about healing yourself. 

However, folks on the outside always want to tell you how depressed and worried you should be. The plight of the black woman is this: people misinterpreting who we are. People always make assumptions about who we are without taking a closer look into our lives to realize that a lot of us are actually quite happy. Of course, there are some lonely moments of vulnerability. But, I realize I would rather be patient for the right man to come (or reenter) my life than fall into any random situation just for companionship that will only last a season. In the meantime, there's nothing that says that you cannot being happy with yourself until that person decides to come. 

Are we STILL 'Just Friends'?

I have not written in my blog in a LONG time. It seems like it's been a few years since I've even glanced at this blog. Well, now I am back after my small hiatus to share something with you that I find compelling. I suppose I had to be inspired enough (and bored enough) to write something. 

The other day, I was on Facebook perusing through my Newsfeed as I do every morning at work. I looked at a link someone posted regarding the term "friendgirl" and how men need to stop creating relationships that are not relationships. Apparently the "friendgirl" for men is that woman in your life that you string along, but have no hopes in making them your wife. I stopped in my tracks and realized how I've been in that space. For the longest time, I thought I put myself in that situation. This article put my mind at ease when I realized that THEY are the ones who develop this space to place you in. Afterwords, I did not feel so bad. However, I was plagued by this question, "are we STILL doing the 'just friends' thing?" Is it possible that we say the same phrasing even in our late 20s? You'd think that we would have matured a little bit from that college mentality. Yet, it still seems to be part of our everyday dating vocabulary. 

At that moment, I went into my favorite Zebra-print school bag and pulled out my USB. During the summer, I put all of my writing files on my USB to pull out whenever I wanted to work on my relationship book manuscript. (Sidenote: I have started a little something, but it has not progressed into anything quite yet. lol). At first, I didn't think I had it on there. But Eureka! It was there. I wrote a piece called, "We're Just Friends" when I was in college. It's one of my favorite pieces because it discusses how we use the term "friend" so loosely in dating when it is not relevant. You have to guage your relationship on this imaginary "friendships scale" or add stipulations to the phrase. For example, you may be friends who happen to hang out every Friday night at your house watching Redbox movies. Get my drift? Anyway, this is one of the more profound statements I wrote in the entire article: 

"When is the line drawn between friend and lover? In this day and age, lines are crossed almost constantly. Does that include the divide between lovers and friends? Now you have to evaluate each relationship as it shows up on the "friendship scale" (a scale I'VE never seen before and do not know WHO made it up...but I digress...) After all, you can SAY you want to just be friends with someone, but then you and that individual are on the phone flirting all hours of the day and night. So, then the person has to evaluate where they are on the 'friendship scale'. For example, they may say, "We are just friends that flirt with each other and talk late on the phone." But, wouldn't that be something you would do with a guy you’re DATING? Again, I'll ask: is there no line between friends and dating? Are we all scrambled together in this huge circle of "friends" until someone makes something official?"

The interesting thing is, I wrote this when I was 19-20 years old. You'd think by now, 7-8 years later, I'd be able to answer this question. Ironically, I'm still struggling with this exact question today in my late 20s. Is it possible that the dating/courting situation does not change in our 20s? I try to be optimistic, claiming that dating has become easier the older you get. After all, you have life experiences under your belt, you start growing and maturing as an adult, you have responsibilities that may cause you to look at things different. But, at the end of the day, it appears as though we are still labeling one another as "friends". Seriously? 


Even when I date today, I find myself calling them "friends". However, we are obviously not platonic friends. Then this friendship scale comes into play where we state how, "We are just friends who hang out, kiss, and have passionate sex." Well, that was not considered a friend when I was 20 and it's still not considered a friendship in 2012. My ultimate question is, "are we STILL just friends?" Have we not matured or graduated to another level of companionship or label outside of friendship? 


Then it hit me during my daily reading of other's blogs. You know how others read the newspaper daily? I read blogs daily. It's my muse. Anyway, I came across an article from a blog I follow. His name is Quentin McCall, who has a blog entitled "Knowledge 4 Life Coaching". A lot of the articles he has in there deals with relationships and dating as a Christian person. Once I read a few of his articles, I was hooked. Anyway, in a few of his blogs, he drops a bomb on you. He says how dating and courtship are two different things. In my mind I'm thinking, "Really?! I've been putting them in the same boat." However, according to Mr. McCall, you date to get to know the person and you court them when you are ready for a deeper connection that will ultimately lead to marriage. I have yet to meet someone who actually went THROUGH this process. However, that's his take on it. It was at that moment when I realized why we continue to say, 'we are just friends'. We say the term because we never have any real intention of marrying that person. In fact, marriage or a long term relationship is not in our consciousness. Think about it. When you meet someone out of happenstance, are you even at a place where you recognize that you are ready for marriage? Or do you just let life happen and THEN decide you want a relationship or marriage? And if this "friends" situation does not work out, then you dismiss the ideas of having a relationship or marriage because you are angry and bitter. That is, until you get into ANOTHER situation. 


Therefore, I theorize that we say 'just friends' because we just allow life to happen without taking a step back and thinking about what we really want. We are too busy jumping from one situation to another without realizing what we want and ACTING upon it. That's the part I always struggle with. I may know what I want, but I get into certain situations because I do not ACT upon what I want. So when I know the brotha does not want marriage, I should let that situation go instead of prolonging it based on my emotional connection to that individual. So, yes, we will continue to perpetuate the cycle of "friendgirls" or "friendboys" because we are not even sure whether we even WANT a marriage. Another part of that is the fact that we are not honest with ourselves or the other person. We are so busy keeping people in our lives to stroke our egos or fill a void. Yet, we are not honest with ourselves or that other person. Therefore, we say 'just friends' because we refuse to be honest with ourselves and convey that to the other person. Ma'am, if you know that you are not interested in that guy beyond friendship, then please let him know instead of dragging him along. Sir, if you know you have no intention of putting a ring on someone's finger, then please feel free to maintain your distance. 


Quite frankly, we are getting too old to NOT be honest with ourselves, know what we want, and ACT on what we want. Because knowing what you want and honesty determines how you date and/or court. Therefore, we may be less likely to say we are 'just friends' like we did in college. Sure, that was cute then because we did not know any better. But as we become adults approaching 30, with serious life lessons under our belt, we should buck up a little bit. We are too old to be ashamed about what we want (or don't want) and acting upon them. So yes, we still say it because it seems like the right thing to say. Plus, we've been saying it since high school. However, that reminds us that we are still not being honest with ourselves, the other person, OR the situation. We claim we are real, but we are so fake and transparent. Be real and stop saying that you two are 'just friends'. It's okay to say that you are dating, because that simply means you are getting to know that person. And if you want marriage with that person, that's alright too. But stop with this ambiguity and get real. 


If you still say you are 'just friends', then you have some growing up to do my friend....