The Age of 25: Adult Purgatory

I have often heard my elders tell me how, "Something happens when you turn 25." They usually told me this once I turned 2o or 21. So, when the comment was made, I usually brushed it aside without a second thought. While we love Aaliyah for "age ain't nothin' but a number", we have to understand that sometimes age DOES mean more than the mere numerical indication of your time here on earth. Today, my classmate, friend, and coworker reinforced what those elders warned me several years ago. Too bad it took me this long to realize they were right.

Something happens when you turn 25. The year you turn 25, you have your friends remind you that you are a quarter of a century old. For a moment, you pass through this day as if it is another year in your twenties. But the realization does not occur at the midnight hour of your birthday. Sometimes, like me, it creeps into your mind several weeks after the birthday high. Like I said, something happens when you turn 25. I did not know that I was battling this change until recently when it was brought to my attention.

Today, I was having lunch with my coworker. As we were driving to our destination, I confided in her regarding the ackward feelings I was experiencing lately in my life. She looked over at me and calmly replied, "You are 25, aren't you?" I was surprised by her crass response. But I replied, "Yeah...I'll be 26 this year." She replied, "Of course you are going through that. You are experiencing adult purgatory. That's what we all went through in our mid-twenties, but no one really talked about it."

I swear a light bulb went off at that moment. I was so relieved, I almost cried. For the past few months, I have been struggling with this valley in my life. I am not in hell, but I'm not in heaven either. I'm in purgatory. Those things that used to fulfill me no longer do and I yearn for something bigger. For the past few months I have been waiting for something to change in my life. I could not tell you what the "thing" was nor could I accurately describe my feelings. All I could conclude was that I was feeling "blah". I wasn't necessarily in a bad place, but I wasn't in a great place either. I was in that content place. I was just "cool", which seemed to be alright until a few months ago.

Again, a light blub came on when I turned 25. It did not happen on my birthday. So, I figured the advice of my elders was not meant for me. However, it came on New Years Eve of 2009. After my traditional New Years Eve activites of going to Watch Night Service and drinking wine with my parents, I laid down in my bed thinking to myself, "Didn't I do this last year? And the year before?" For a moment, I felt like it was de'ja vu. While I experienced a lot in 2009, I realized that nothing has changed. I felt like I started 2010 in the same way I started 2009. I think it was at that moment when I started to feel ackward.

At this point in our lives, we start to question our purpose. We have roamed this earth for a quarter of a century, so we start asking what we have to show for it. We start to wonder whether we will be able to accomplish all of our goals by the time we reach thirty. You wonder whether you are really fulfilling your purpose in life. You start to wonder what you would label yourself as. You may even find yourself looking back at your life, at all the mistakes you have made over the years. You even start considering settling down and having a family, so you even view relationships a little differently. When people die, it hits you a little harder than it used to. Those things that we did enjoy in our early twenties, we have no desire to do anymore. You realize that it's "not cute anymore" to do the things you did when you were twenty or twenty one. A shift of mentality takes place, when you start looking at the world beyond your front door. In other words, the novelty of being a "twenty-something" years old wears off. And you start looking at the real you, which can be a bit scary. Then you ask yourself, "Is this all there is? Is this IT?"

To be honest, I really thought it was just me. I figured I was going through some sort of spiritual drought that was causing me to loose my connection to God. So, I started going to church more. Ironically, that did not help much. I still recieved great pleasure from worship, but the novelty did not wear off. I could not shake this ackward feeling I was having. It would creep up at night before I went to bed, or on Sunday afternoons as I was cooking. It tip-toed into my thoughts during a silent moment of the day. For a moment, I was really nervous about it because I could not identify this feeling until today.

"Something happens when you turn twenty five," my friend kept repeating. She said she went through the same thing. I asked her if it had anything to do with her being single. She replied, "No, I was with my husband at the time. So that has nothing to do with it. It has to do with you as an individual. No person can make you feel better about your situation. That's why older folks like me do not envy you ladies in your twenties." I laughed when she said this because I realize how true that statment is. Have you ever been in a situation where someone found out your age and the only response is, "Oh gurl, you are young!" or "Wow, well okay." But you can hear the pity in their voices when you tell them your age. It's amazing. I have never heard an older woman say she would go back to her twenties. I am starting to understand why.

I asked her, "Well what did you do to deal with this?" She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes and replied, "I don't know if there's really anything you CAN do." I sighed to myself out of frustration. I was tired of having this feeling of indifference. I needed some sort of formula that would help me to get over this "mid twenties desert". But she did reply, "Don't be so hard on yourself. You have at least acknoweldged that you are in this place. So that's a great thing." She continued, "Well, what could help you is to find something to get involved in outside of yourself, and write your way through this valley. Don't worry, you will get through it. Because something else will click when you turn 30 and 35 as well. Life is full of these transitions. I think 25 is simply the first time you start realizing this transfomation taking place."

I couldn't stop thanking her for the rest of the day. I am sure she was tired of it, but I found more clarity in that twenty minute conversation then I have in the past six months. It made me feel better knowing it wasn't just me. I also realized that if I felt this way, I am sure others out there are battling a similar war. You do not have to broadcast yourself. But, if you do feel this way, then I am here to tell you that its completely normal. I believe I recieved this wisdom so I may share it with all of you who need to hear it too. So, don't worry about these feelings because they are apparently part of our process for maturing into more insightful adults. I also want you to remember that you are not alone.

I suppose we just have to grin and bare it until we recieve another light bulb. We can try to take the advice of my friend, but that does not stop the nights or moments of solitude to happen. You can fill every moment of the day with something, but you cannot save yourself from your thoughts and feelings. Yet, we recognize that it is a problem that has no name and no real solution. But, as my friend concluded, "Don't worry, this feeling is only temporary. You will be fine." So I guess we will be fine eventually. :)

From week, month, and year....still nothing...

I've always seemed to be a spectator or commentator on this show premiering my life. However, the characters around me appear to be having more of a script than I am. On this show, I simply interact with these people, adding in my commentary when necessary. They play off these dramatic roles full of love, hate, and excitment. Yet I sit on the sidelines ready to play in the game. The show premiere's my life. But unfortunately, nothing is happening to me.

It seems as though the past few years have been repeats of each other. I do not know if I have seen a major change take place in the past few years. I have seen people fall in love, marry, start new careers, move to a new location, or have children. Yet, I remain in the same place I was a few years ago. It is almost as if I am waiting for my life to change. For something to alter and jump start my life.

I realize that everything has a season and a purpose. But I feel as though I have been in this season for so long, I can write the script for my life. Also, I realize that everything is as it should be. Yet as the weeks, months, and years go by, I can't help but wonder whether my season will actually start. When will I walk into my new season? When will the day come when I can actually play in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines?

This year was similar to last year, and last year mirrored the year before. My birthday's are the same, the holidays continue to have the same events, and New Years is just a reflection of the same thing that happened the year before. I have been doing the same thing on Valentines day, St. Patrick's Day, and July 4th each year for the past three years! Nothing has changed.

While I am certainly thankful for the lack of drama in my life, I am starting to wonder whether I am really living or simply going through the motions. I do not have any expectations, hopes, or dreams anymore. My daydreams do not even exist anymore. My hopes have been muffled to a soft murmur. My expectations are on life support. After all, the same thing happens day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. Nothing surprises me anymore.

It seems as though life is happening around me instead of to me. I start to wonder whether my only purpose on this earth is to be a voice of reason for others. Perhaps I'm only meant to be that person in the sidelines motivating the players on the field. Maybe I am only here to perk up others, to fill them with positive energy so at the end of the day, I am simply trying to recharge myself from all the negative energy flooding my soul. In other words, my life isn't just in search of my happiness, but ensuring that everyone else recieves what they need while I remain empty. Then I find myself bicariously living through others or becoming excited when small changes occur in my life. If something does happen to me, then it's usually something that has happened to me before. Again, nothing new.

But I always smile to others. I try to remain positive and give people what I can, even if it's only a quarter of a cup of love. Since I am always the one people come to with their good news, I smile and share in their blessing. When people come to me for advice, I try to give them the best advice that I can. At times I want to share good news, but I have nothing to share. When people ask me what is new with me, they already know the anwser. I hate when people do that. It almost causes me to say something sarcastic and crass. However, I tame my heart and lips.

I wonder whether this is all my life is going to be year after year. Perhaps I should start accepting the invitable. Is my life going to only consist of school and work? Will witnessing my family and friends enjoy life be the only satisfaction I recieve? I need something else to provide me with joy. While my schoolwork is satisfying academically and intellectually, it does not feed my soul. My books do not keep me warm at night. While I plan to leave a legacy in my teaching and writing, is that the only thing that will keep my memory living from generation to generation?

My grandmother passed a few weeks ago. She lived a life that others want to mirror. While she is a part of my lineage, I sometimes wonder whether she would be proud of what I have done. I know she was proud of me for staying in school, but I wonder whether that's the only thing anyone would be proud of me for. Her life, her wisdom, her love will always carry on for generations to come. I have no doubt about that. I look at her life and wonder whether one day I'll be blessed enough to have the kind of family she had.

I am tired of these small, short moments of life. I am sick and tired of daydreaming most of my life instead of having those dreams come true. I'm tired of seeing a month go by, with anything positive or exciting to share. I'm frustrated with each week looking the same. One day, I want to recieve some of those prayer requests instead of simply praying for them. I hate telling myself, "It's not my time," or "Maybe one day."

I'm waiting for my life to jump start again....