There's Always That ONE..

I have always considered myself a logical person. Typically, I'm able to control my emotions and hide my fears. I'm an emotional warrior, ready to save the day. That's what I pride myself on. 

Of course, there's always that ONE person that brings you back to your raw element. That one individual who brings you out of your comfort zone and drives your emotions wild. And just when you think you are over the person, here they come with a smile to make you realize that you cannot possibly be over them if they have an effect over you. 

The other night, I went to his hotel room to see him while he was in town for a conference. Now mind you, I have not seen this person in some time. I thought I was safe. I soon realized that I wasn't. Once I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, I felt my heart beat rapidly. I had no idea where that came from. After all, I thought I was over him. When I walked up to the room, my heart beat went a little faster. I don't even think I remembered the lady at the desk. I walked up the the room and knocked. By this time, I felt as thought I was going to pass out from anticipation. It seemed to take him forever to come to the door. When he opened the door, I felt a surge that I have not felt in a while. A fire ignited within me. It quickly died down once we started talking. It was like talking to an old friend, which was great. The fire never really went away though. It was like a smokey haze within me. But of course, I had to play it cool. I could not allow him to know how badly I wanted him to just touch me, or look at me like he missed me.  

Of course, he was a perfect gentleman all night. And all I could do was sit and wonder what he was thinking. I sat there wondering what was going through his head. A part of me wanted to ask him. But, a part of me was afraid to. Either way, it made me realize that he's that one person that will always have an effect on me. I could be married with kids, but being in his presence will always give me butterflies. I have no idea why. Perhaps it's his southern gentleman nature. Maybe I love the way he's able to challenge my intellect. Or perhaps he just makes me feel like a lady. After all, he's not doctor. He has a brash sense of humor. Many times I find myself arguing with him. But, he still has an effect on me. I don't know what it is. But, he's that one person that will always make my heart flutter. 

Today, I was watching Smash (by the way, AWESOME show. I love musicals so much, this show is feeds my inner Broadway wanna-be actress..lol). One of the ladies on the show (played by my favorite red-head actresses Debra Messing) had a previous affair with one of the actors in their new show. Both of them dated at one time, and now they have separate lives and families. There are obvious feelings and chemistry between them. However, she tries to downplay it. She tries to push him away, even though she knows how she feels about him. I found myself in her character. On the other hand, the guy keeps coming around. He keeps smiling at her, comforting her, reminding her that he has feelings for her. Look at them, I saw me and this guy. We both moved on in some capacity. I dated guys after him and I'm sure he dated women after me. Of course I never ask. Come to think of it, he never asks either. Yet, when we come together, it's instant chemistry. On this particular episode, he started singing, "Song for You" followed by a passionate kiss. I thought to myself, "Oh man, I don't think I would've been able to contain myself if that were me." I saw us at that moment, giving into our passions instead of playing it safe. 

But there's always that person in our lives. You try to convince yourself that you are over them but once you are in your presence, your heart awakens from it's dormant place. It honestly angers me. The moment I think I'm over him and ready to move on, he comes into my life like a thief in the night. I don't know whether he will stay in my life or not. Quite frankly, I do not want to know at this point because it will take away from that moment. History has shown that this relationship may not progress past this point. Yet I cannot deny the affect he has upon me. As I say, I cannot "front the funk". We all can't. Let's stop pretending that there is not that ONE person that will send us back into that emotional place, where our feelings flutter. That ONE individual that makes you throw all logic out the door. For me, it's this guy that, for some reason, awakens my heart. 

Aren’t we sisters? Aren’t you my brother?

My professor wanted us to write a piece in reaction to Sojourner Truth's speech "Ain't I a Woman" since we read her biography in class. If you have NOT read that piece, please do. It's amazing. Now scholars are saying that she did not write that piece. Regardless, the speech became the catalyst for black women's thought. Not just black feminist thought, black woman's thought in general. Anyway, here was my response to  what she wrote. Hope ya'll enjoy. ;) 


Here we are sisters and brothers, continuing this conversation about whom we are and where we need to go. It has been roughly 160 years since our ancestor Sojourner Truth reminded black women of our humanity. I wonder whether we ever figured it out yet. But, we congregate here, representing our different backgrounds and classifications. We pretend like we've made it simply because we don’t have to battle Jim and Jane Crow. But have we really made it? Do we really know who we are? My sisters, we come to this place with different skin hues, hair textures, and socioeconomic classifications. But aren't we still sisters? We criticize each other because she’s “so ghetto”, or “she’s so bougie”, or “she think she’s so cute because she’s light skinned.” But aren't we all sisters? We easily call each other bitch, whore, slut, and every other unpleasant term instead of calling each other friend. Aren't we still sisters? You think Sojourner would want to hear us demonizing each other based on our differences? At the end of the day, aren't we sisters? Whether we are dark skin, light skin, bronze skin, red bone with type 4B, 3D, or 2C hair, aren't we all sisters? Whether you are CEO of a fortune 500 company, a struggling college student, a single mother working two jobs, an attorney, public school teacher, or on the pole on Saturday night, aren't we all sisters? They say we have nothing in common because life has placed us in different circumstances. Yet, at the end of the day, aren't we all sisters cut from the same cloth of oppression? Don’t we all struggle with trying to be woman and black simultaneously? Don’t we ultimately speak a similar language? Aren't we all sisters?

And my brothers, we need you! You leave us in a bind because we are trying to take your place and your place within our homes. We have to pretend to be a superwoman, coming to the rescue. Suddenly, we cannot be free to be human or vulnerable because we are cleaning up everyone else’s mess. You guys are not where we need you to be. If you get some change to rub together, you think you made it and don’t need us. But aren’t you my brother? Aren’t I your sister? You preach community unity, but don’t challenge your brothers to help their sisters. Instead, we are beaten down physically and emotionally so you can feel more like a man. When you think I’m being too hard on you, it is because I know you are capable of excellence. I’m merely challenging you as your sister, not allowing you to get away with mediocrity or complacency.  That’s what sisters do for our brothers.  Yet, we walk around angry at each other. Brother, you call me a bitch, treat me like a whore, and talk about “hitting it” when we share our intimate space with you.  But, isn’t your mother a woman?  Aren’t we your sister? Sister, you call him a no good nigga, nagging him, removing his manhood along with his testacies, and not allowing him to step-up and handle his business because he doesn’t do it the way you want him to do it. But isn’t he your brother? I’m tired of us loving others before we love each other. Share love, but let’s first share love with each other as family, brother and sisters under one omnipotent God. Let’s stop pretending like we don’t need each other. Sisters, can we love each other, regardless of our differences? After all, no other race has the range of beauty like we do my sistahs. Embrace all of it. Brothers, can you love us like we love you? We should be each other’s priority. Black love should not be an anomaly, yet a normalcy. Let’s strengthen our bond. Let’s build better relationships with one another.

And in 2012, that’s all this bronze skin, nappy hair sistah-student has to say about that. 

Signed, 

Your sistah