Are we STILL 'Just Friends'?

I have not written in my blog in a LONG time. It seems like it's been a few years since I've even glanced at this blog. Well, now I am back after my small hiatus to share something with you that I find compelling. I suppose I had to be inspired enough (and bored enough) to write something. 

The other day, I was on Facebook perusing through my Newsfeed as I do every morning at work. I looked at a link someone posted regarding the term "friendgirl" and how men need to stop creating relationships that are not relationships. Apparently the "friendgirl" for men is that woman in your life that you string along, but have no hopes in making them your wife. I stopped in my tracks and realized how I've been in that space. For the longest time, I thought I put myself in that situation. This article put my mind at ease when I realized that THEY are the ones who develop this space to place you in. Afterwords, I did not feel so bad. However, I was plagued by this question, "are we STILL doing the 'just friends' thing?" Is it possible that we say the same phrasing even in our late 20s? You'd think that we would have matured a little bit from that college mentality. Yet, it still seems to be part of our everyday dating vocabulary. 

At that moment, I went into my favorite Zebra-print school bag and pulled out my USB. During the summer, I put all of my writing files on my USB to pull out whenever I wanted to work on my relationship book manuscript. (Sidenote: I have started a little something, but it has not progressed into anything quite yet. lol). At first, I didn't think I had it on there. But Eureka! It was there. I wrote a piece called, "We're Just Friends" when I was in college. It's one of my favorite pieces because it discusses how we use the term "friend" so loosely in dating when it is not relevant. You have to guage your relationship on this imaginary "friendships scale" or add stipulations to the phrase. For example, you may be friends who happen to hang out every Friday night at your house watching Redbox movies. Get my drift? Anyway, this is one of the more profound statements I wrote in the entire article: 

"When is the line drawn between friend and lover? In this day and age, lines are crossed almost constantly. Does that include the divide between lovers and friends? Now you have to evaluate each relationship as it shows up on the "friendship scale" (a scale I'VE never seen before and do not know WHO made it up...but I digress...) After all, you can SAY you want to just be friends with someone, but then you and that individual are on the phone flirting all hours of the day and night. So, then the person has to evaluate where they are on the 'friendship scale'. For example, they may say, "We are just friends that flirt with each other and talk late on the phone." But, wouldn't that be something you would do with a guy you’re DATING? Again, I'll ask: is there no line between friends and dating? Are we all scrambled together in this huge circle of "friends" until someone makes something official?"

The interesting thing is, I wrote this when I was 19-20 years old. You'd think by now, 7-8 years later, I'd be able to answer this question. Ironically, I'm still struggling with this exact question today in my late 20s. Is it possible that the dating/courting situation does not change in our 20s? I try to be optimistic, claiming that dating has become easier the older you get. After all, you have life experiences under your belt, you start growing and maturing as an adult, you have responsibilities that may cause you to look at things different. But, at the end of the day, it appears as though we are still labeling one another as "friends". Seriously? 


Even when I date today, I find myself calling them "friends". However, we are obviously not platonic friends. Then this friendship scale comes into play where we state how, "We are just friends who hang out, kiss, and have passionate sex." Well, that was not considered a friend when I was 20 and it's still not considered a friendship in 2012. My ultimate question is, "are we STILL just friends?" Have we not matured or graduated to another level of companionship or label outside of friendship? 


Then it hit me during my daily reading of other's blogs. You know how others read the newspaper daily? I read blogs daily. It's my muse. Anyway, I came across an article from a blog I follow. His name is Quentin McCall, who has a blog entitled "Knowledge 4 Life Coaching". A lot of the articles he has in there deals with relationships and dating as a Christian person. Once I read a few of his articles, I was hooked. Anyway, in a few of his blogs, he drops a bomb on you. He says how dating and courtship are two different things. In my mind I'm thinking, "Really?! I've been putting them in the same boat." However, according to Mr. McCall, you date to get to know the person and you court them when you are ready for a deeper connection that will ultimately lead to marriage. I have yet to meet someone who actually went THROUGH this process. However, that's his take on it. It was at that moment when I realized why we continue to say, 'we are just friends'. We say the term because we never have any real intention of marrying that person. In fact, marriage or a long term relationship is not in our consciousness. Think about it. When you meet someone out of happenstance, are you even at a place where you recognize that you are ready for marriage? Or do you just let life happen and THEN decide you want a relationship or marriage? And if this "friends" situation does not work out, then you dismiss the ideas of having a relationship or marriage because you are angry and bitter. That is, until you get into ANOTHER situation. 


Therefore, I theorize that we say 'just friends' because we just allow life to happen without taking a step back and thinking about what we really want. We are too busy jumping from one situation to another without realizing what we want and ACTING upon it. That's the part I always struggle with. I may know what I want, but I get into certain situations because I do not ACT upon what I want. So when I know the brotha does not want marriage, I should let that situation go instead of prolonging it based on my emotional connection to that individual. So, yes, we will continue to perpetuate the cycle of "friendgirls" or "friendboys" because we are not even sure whether we even WANT a marriage. Another part of that is the fact that we are not honest with ourselves or the other person. We are so busy keeping people in our lives to stroke our egos or fill a void. Yet, we are not honest with ourselves or that other person. Therefore, we say 'just friends' because we refuse to be honest with ourselves and convey that to the other person. Ma'am, if you know that you are not interested in that guy beyond friendship, then please let him know instead of dragging him along. Sir, if you know you have no intention of putting a ring on someone's finger, then please feel free to maintain your distance. 


Quite frankly, we are getting too old to NOT be honest with ourselves, know what we want, and ACT on what we want. Because knowing what you want and honesty determines how you date and/or court. Therefore, we may be less likely to say we are 'just friends' like we did in college. Sure, that was cute then because we did not know any better. But as we become adults approaching 30, with serious life lessons under our belt, we should buck up a little bit. We are too old to be ashamed about what we want (or don't want) and acting upon them. So yes, we still say it because it seems like the right thing to say. Plus, we've been saying it since high school. However, that reminds us that we are still not being honest with ourselves, the other person, OR the situation. We claim we are real, but we are so fake and transparent. Be real and stop saying that you two are 'just friends'. It's okay to say that you are dating, because that simply means you are getting to know that person. And if you want marriage with that person, that's alright too. But stop with this ambiguity and get real. 


If you still say you are 'just friends', then you have some growing up to do my friend....