Dear John(s)...

Dear John(s),

I have no expectations from you. At one time I did, yet they were tossed aside like a bad habit. Now, I understand my place in your world. I understand what I am to you and what I am not. This letter is sent to you so you know how I feel. I come to you exhausted, spent, and frustrated. I write this letter to free myself. This is no help for you at all, just a simply telling you what's on my mind. But I digress...

I have no expectations from you. Your words mean nothing to me. They are empty promises that come and go as quickly as the wind. I have heard all of the phrases. Sometimes I think I can predict what you are going to say before you say it. Because I have heard it so many times before, yet I have not witnessed the action that goes with the words. In other words, if you say you are going to be about it don't just say it, DO IT. Thus, I have no expectations of you. After a while, I just stop listening. I am tired of hearing only words.

I have no expectations from you. I have known you for such a long time. Yet I have not met a friend, a family member, or an acquatence. I would almost bet if I met any of your friends or family today, I would get a weird look. I would get the "who are you?" expression. Ironically, I would expect that. That is one thing I do expect, ignorance. After all, my name never escapes your lips when you are talking to friends and family. I am simply the "friend" or "date". My name gives claim to who I am. When you utter my name, it gives me life. Yet that is not who I am to you. I am not someone you want others to know about. I remain that dark secret that you want to keep to yourself.

I have no expectations from you. You travel in and out of my life like a bad mentral cycle. You creep up, make a mess, then leave for 20 days. John, you come and bring in your empty promises. You give my hopes up to think that maybe this is real this time. Yet, you keep proving me wrong over and over again. It is frustrating because I am only putting myself through more heartbreak than necessary. I have no idea why I even allow you back into my life over again. Perhaps you know that you could always come back. You know you can come back because I allow you to come back. And that is my own fault. But not anymore, because this is my Dear John letter to you.

I deserve to be viewed as a priority instead of an option. Someone to sought after me, as if I was a gem in a rocky land. Yet I am usually taken as the "fun friend", until you are done with me. Growing up, I have always been the "fun friend". I was never the pretty girl. I was friends with the pretty girls because they love my company. Yet the boys only liked me because I knew the pretty girls. What a life to have. However, that has been the story of my life for so long, I keep forgetting that seems to be my destiny in this world. I will always be the funny girl. The one you can "let your hair down" with. You can be yourself with me, and ask advice from me to get the pretty girls. But one of these days, it would be nice to be viewed as a pretty girl. It would be nice for them to recieve advice from someone else about me. Maybe...one day...I can be...the pretty girl....that HE can't live without. Until then, I have to accept my role as the "fun girl". The one you put on the shelf, picking her up only when you need her. Otherwise, she remains on the shelf alone, waiting to be read.

Therefore, I have no expectations of you. We have not went forward or backward; we have simply remained stagnet. Our movement has not progressed forward towards the positive, nor has it digressed towards the negative. It has simply remained in neutral. Sometimes, John, I wish we would just pick a position and go with it. Remaining in the neutral stage cannot lead to anything but distruction, frustration, and aggravation. It would be fine if I hated you, at least that would be a step towards something. But we are in the same spot we are now as we were when we first met. How sad.

Before I put this letter to an end, I want to say that I will always hold you dear to my heart John. I put up with all of this because deep down inside, I really do like you. I pray that one day you will realize that I am the one for you. Yet I cannot continue to torcher myself anymore. I have to allow myself to accept the inevitable. Accept the fact that my stagnant relationship ( or lack thereof) with you is our destiny. I have to realize that I am holding on to a dream that will never come true. I am praying for a progression that is not meant to happen between us. Perhaps we are only meant to be platonic friends. But don't play with my emotions like I mean more to you. Don't talk about our hypothetical future together. Don't talk about my inward and outward beauty. Don't talk to me about my family or your family. In other words, do not tell me things I want to hear. Do not tell me what I want to hear just for the hell of it. After all, I am going to realize one day soon that all of your words were meaningless. All of those "plans" were only a means to keep my attention....to give me false hope...to reel me into your trap until you are tired of me. I am not your girlfriend on demand. Either you are in or not...just be honest with yourself and me.

Don't worry, this letter isn't just for one person. It's for everyone who tends to put me on the shelf. For all those who would rather play with my emotions than be honest with themselves and me. All those who have played me as their girlfriend on demand....bringing me in their life only to entertain them temporarly....until they are done with me. So John(s), if you want me the way you say you do, then PROVE IT. Because anything that comes out of your mouth will mean nothing to me. I have heard it all before. Instead of doing all of that yapping, take that energy into action. SHOW me that you want to be with me. Show me that you want to make me wifey. However, if you do not want me in any capacity other than a platonic friend, simply walk away. Go your seperate way, and I would have nothing but respect you for being honest with yourself and me. In other words, just leave me alone. Just allow me to heal. Allow me to accept the fact that we are not meant to be. Either way, I will be alright. But you are going to have to choose, because this is starting to get old John. Real old, real quick....

I do like you John. A lot. But, unfortunately, I like myself a little more. I like myself enough not to always have my self esteem and self worth questioned when you dip in and out of my life. I may not be perfect. In fact, I am far from it. But I do believe I am a great woman who deserves to be happy. Instead, John(s), you have shown me how disposible I am. Through your actions, you have proven to me that I am worthless, just another whore, another notch on your belt. You have shown me that I am NOT worth the effort or time.

But, I am taking charge here by giving you this letter, expressing my concern and my love. Whatever action you decide to take, you know I will always respect you. But an action must be taken one way or another. The decision is yours. Either walk in, and stay in, or walk away....

Your girlfriend on demand,
Jayme